Time to Rebuild

[Jen_Jam]

Thank you both for your kind posts - they have helped and also confirmed a couple of things I was thinking anyway.
Forgiveness - yes, I have to forgive myself. I don't understand why I've been forgiven by everyone in this except myself. The couple whose party it was have forgiven me, H has forgiven me and I don't understand why.
It's like when people like me - I often can't see what it is they like. This is my low self esteem rearing its ugly head again and it's annoying cos I thought I had it licked.
So - Running I had already booked myself in for councelling before your post, I'm glad you said so cos I wasn't sure if it was the right thing but I can't see it doing me anything but good.
Finally, I remembered that love is a decision so it follows happiness is as well. I've chosen happiness, it's almost like I'm DB'ing on myself. Another thing which helped me was reading the Infidelity section of DR. Now, there never was an OP in our situation, but some of the feelings Michelle wrote that the betrayed spouse would be feeling is what I have, only mine are watered down. It was such a relief to read that what I'm feeling is normal. I really thought when the D was busted we'd have this magical honeymoon period where we'd both be happy and talking and ML'ing. Guess what? Life STILL gets in the way - the overtime we both get forced into to make ends meet, the gym sessions so we don't get fat, and H has had a cold this week. SO I'm classing this stage I'm in now as Relationship Rebuilding - RR - and I will still need to DB a bit BUT I think it's going to be....how do I describe this? You know when you've just been bombed and you're starting DB it feels REALLY LOUD - it's almost as if your head is shouting you the DB instructions. Now it's a little calmer, a little quieter.
SD - If you would like to write the DB part II with me I'd be more than happy, it's funny how I feel almost as if I have to re-read DR (which I am doing) and go back to square 1 and start again with DB, but it's less urgent, a little easier and I'm more likely to get a respnse out of H much quicker. RR is chilled out/laid back DB.
SO - that's it really. I'll keep posting here, I think I will need to. I have my first councelling session on Monday, going to get at the bottom of my self esteem and I know it lies in my childhood. I'm scared cos if I dig too deep there I do start to cry - last time in M councelling we touched on my childhood and I cried all night.
Anywhow - I will let you know how that goes too, take care each and every one and have a great Saturday.