Time to Rebuild

[Jen_Jam]

OK - the long post explaining what happened.
First - a synopsis of my situaion:
M - 35 H - 36 1st bomb 5th Sept 2005. Got back together Nov/Dec 05, but 2nd bomb (although not a D bomb) end of March 06.
Found DB in May, been doing it properly since June, recomittment 4th Oct 06.
Reasons for bomb (gathered over months!) - H wanted more freedom to go out with friends, I was too clingy, used to make unreasonable demands, shouting, sulking, urgh! H avoids conflict and goes with the flow until he exploded.

Next - to answer some questions from my previous thread:

Swashy - the overtime I'm doing isn't connected qwith my M. We are short staffed at work and I've agreed to take on more work in the hope of a pay rise. I could do with the money to pay off the debt I got on credit cards during our S! (But I had a good time - trips to Italy and Budapest, lots of clothes shopping, all helped me feel better). The debt is manageable but I have to deal with it sooner rather then later.

InHisHands - don't worry about getting muddled with posting - it made me laugh

Krylos - I haven't read the Five Langs of Love but I've seen it mentioned a lot and I will be getting my mitts on a copy. It sounds like a good book, especially for someone like me who is sometimes a bit insensitive to the feelings of others.

Rob - you're right about the dinner. I should ask nicely rather than hoping he'll read my mind. I have asked nicely now. Also the housework - I used to have really high standards, now I do let things slide. I still feel guilty though - my parents' house is really tidy (some people have said almost clinical) and I can feel myself creating their disapproval in my head. My R with my parents was good, I can't complain that I had everything a child needs but they could be quite critical - something to work on myself with, I know I have been critical of others too. But just cos I grew up with that doesn't mean I have to live my life like that.

OK - onto what happened.
Wes night I was feelnig angry, as you'll nkow from previous thread. New me knew old me would have pouted then shouted, so new me gave her the elbow.
But it left me in a difficult situation - it didn't help that I was really tired too. Got to the pub and somehow we ended up having an R talk - I think from me saying I'm so overwhelmed right now. He asked how he could help and I said I'd love it if he cooked more. We talked about this and he says he's been afraid to expreiment with meals in case I didn't like them. I suggested we do grocery shopping together for a while so we can learn the food each other likes (married 3 years and still don't know - crazy I know!).
We talked about Saturday - we are going to a party. This party is at the flat of the (male) friend he stayed in when we were S. This male friend is a divorcee, had a MLC and left. ow he parties all the time and is really happy (his W remarried, had a baby and is also v happy). I feel uncomfortable there for a couple of reasons:
1. This friend is pro-D, can be a little judgemental in his views too, although is happy to change his POV if faced with evidence. He's not a bad guy at all. I just feel under observation from him. I will not discuss this with H cos there is nothing H can do to help me on this. If it becomes a problem for me and H/our M then I will talk, otherwise not.
2. The friend's partying also involves taking ecstacy and cocaine. Now, I have no problem if people want to do these drugs - who am I to control anyone else - but I don't really like being around people who are on them )find them arrogant and annoying). H doesn't feel like this.
Anyhow, we got into a discussion about the party, H saying last time I wanted to leave earlier than he did, I wasn't enjoying myself as much as him, this is when I became a WAW. I was really convinced that that was it. Why? Cos all I could see if H wanting one thing and me another. I told H there was no hope for our M.
I asked him if he wanted another beer. He asked me if I wanted another beer. ARGH!!! This is him doing the conflict avoidance again. He said he didn't mean to be difficult. I said "you ARE difficult". This is SO non-DB but bear in mind at this point I was a WAW.
We got into a conversation like this:
Me: "I obviously don't make you happy"
H "yes, you do. I obviously dont' make you happy"
Me: "yes, you do, I obviously...."
You can see where it was going. We were arguing about the same thing. So we stopped, talked it over and I asked (bad DB!) if the good times were finally over. H said yes, that he loves me and the times he will want to spend time with anyone other than me will be rare.
He also talked about his memory - he has a really bad one, rellies on reminders from his mobile, he says he gets annoyed with himself. I found myself FINALLY accepting this - I have always thought he was just lazy and that was a convenient excuse. I came up with a few suggestions to help (eg he can never remember if we have things organisd at the weekend, I said how about getting a calendar we can write on when things are happening, we can both check against that. He likes that idea).

I think I have fnially realised how this all happened.
I used to be a nasty person - shouting, bad temper, selfish, inflexible, critical, blaming H for everything.
Early in 2005 I decided not to be so horrible anymore - that if continued like that I was going to lose him. I decided to change. I became more affectionate, loving, stopped the shouting.
H suggested that we occasionally have nights out separatly, with our friends. For example, he might want to go and see a band I don't like, I might want a GNO (girls night out).
I saw this as H pulling away. I thought that he was trying to get rid of me. What did I do? Cling tighter, refuse his suggestion and in the end nearly suffocated all the life out of our M.
OK, there were other things to be looked at in our M but I think this was the main problem.

So - my 180 - which I have done and will continue to - have nights out without him, and when he goes wish him a good time.

To finish, H and I had a mini R talk last night and agreed that we would BOTH put more effort in and if we wanted something and the way we were trying to get it wasn't working we wouldn't give in but would try an new approach (cheeseless tunnels). H said as well that he thinks our R can be better than it ever was

So - that is where we are. Since then there have been freely given kisses and cuddles, smiles and relaxation. We are finally in the position I wanted to be in last year - R rebuilding mode. The DB doesn't stop and I'm not thinking "that's it! Everything will be fine now" but I feel better equipped for this now.

I will still be posting, though, I would like to document the R rebuilding, if you'd like to listen? (well, even if you wouldn't I'll still post!!)

Take care each and every one, treat yourself and everyone about you with compassion (even the aliens).