Advice

[MuddleThrough]

I think you're right that altruism isn't the source of the LBSs motivation initially. It may be present, but in smaller quantities than other motivations, such as fear. I am convinced that the biggest motivator in the beginning is fear. Fear of change, fear of being proven inadequate, fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of being wrong, etc. It's fear that prevents us from feeling love and acting on it. Fear prevents us from accepting the situation as it is and acting from a strong and loving place. Fear induced denial is unquestionably a big part of the equation, because for the most part we realize the aspects of our lives that will be destroyed by the end of the marriage and they spread far beyond our love lives (and actually exagerate this), so we are unable to justify acting on our emotional desire to escape the pain by ending the relationship. So we argue the logic in support of the marriage and justify working it through. On the other hand, a cheating spouse is indulging themselves in something that feels so good that they downplay the impact ending the relationship will have to themselves.

This to me really is about the difference between reactivity and proactivity. You have a difficult time reacting in love, but fear as a response comes naturally. I think this is why it's imperative in DB, or for personal healing, that the LBS take proactive control of their lives. This allows for fostering self development in a loving way rather than beating our heads on the wall fearful that we aren't good enough and that if we don't change we never will be. You can't act in love if you are fearful.