Advice

[MuddleThrough]

The realization is that the LBS/non-cheater is still just thinking about themselves. Aren't we being self-absorbed in this? Selfish?

You asked a tough question here. I think this is a really good question to ponder, especially because my W has said something from this perspective in the past. My reaction to this is that the selfish emotional reaction to being cheated on would be to cut and run - to remove that which is causing pain from your life. Secondly, I think that in general working on a marriage before ending it responsibly tends to be the best option for everyone effected by the marriage (which extends beyond the two married people). In this sense, as LBSs here we are willing to sacrifice the pain that working through the issues that brought about the affair and the affair itself will certainly give rise to for the good of others as well as ourselves. This also includes the WAS, because they will benefit from never being able to regret the decision to leave the marriage, as opposed to feeling somewhere down the road that the reason they left the marriage wasn't good enough to justify it in the end. Now, of course on some level all of these justifications, while they might be good, do come down to one's selfish desire to be honorable, or whatever value you choose to associate with. We can't ever truly separate our will from what is objectively right in the situation, can we? Everything's clouded by our own subjective perspective.

Now, your next point, about "if this makes them happy, why not condone it and let them be on their merry way" strikes me. The value judgement that comes into play here is a large one, and I think it's why we all as LBSs sought professional opinions on the subject. We recognize that there is a flaw in the judgement of the person entering an affair because there is no allowance for personal integrity going into such an endeavor. By this, I mean that there is no way that all aspects of this person can be in concert, putting this person into intense internal conflict. Our value judgement on this happiness that they have found is not that the experience pleasure, but that this pleasure is not healthy happiness because they are experiencing considerable internal conflict. People who are addicted to substances often feel that they are truly happy when they are under the influence, but everytime they sober up, they have regrets and are full of fears. Often the fears invade their consciousness while they are under the influence too, making their happy state less and less fulfilling, leading to higher doses, or experimenting with different substances. We don't call this happiness.

So all of this serves to justify our desire to see the other person turn around and work things through, and it bolsters our expectation that they should want to as well. The trouble is that their perspective is focused only on that which has the strongest pull at the moment. I think the only way to both end up on the same track eventually is to recognize that people have their own perspective, and need to make their own mistakes. Perhaps they are not mistaken that their affairs lead to happiness. If they are convinced of this, they owe it to themselves to live through the risk they take for the sake of their value (that love will bring happiness) in their own way, however flawed it appears to us.