Advice

[Just_Me]

Oh,

I see what you are saying. I have been saying, "I understand how you could feel that way" or "I see how it looks that way", but I haven't accepted and acknowledged that she actually is convinced that I have cheated on her.

I wouldn't say her mindframe is sick and twisted; she actually has a keen mind and is pretty discerning. She is simply following the logical conclusion: Why lie about something so small as just going out for drinks with her (and her friends also)? Why so adamantly lie, including saying, "I'm so sick of your accusation that I want you to move out", if I didn't have something major to hide? It took a lot of lying before I finally told her the whole truth. It started as deceptions (I didn't tell her about the invite or that I went out and then I erased the calls in my sent calls), a lie about why I did that, and then just filled out from there. I gave her small additional truths, half-truths, and flat out lies, in increments to protect my initial deception, which would clearly make her wonder what possessed me to erase the calls. And I made the initial deception because I knew she would be upset if I accepted an invite from her for drinks. I've created a scenario that sounds exactly like a man that is cheating and covering his tracks. Now, she wonders whether I divulged it all or neglected to tell her that this woman also came over to the house, spent part of the night, or that we slept together. Why would she believe it? If I heard that stuff I would believe it too. So, I dug this hole of deceit and lies, convinced her I'm unfaithful, and now what do I do?

By the way, we have explored why I went out when I knew she wouldn't approve. It wasn't some big get-even. I developed these friendships while getting-a-life, knew that nothing inappropriate would happen, and resentful that after doing the solo thing for a year that I found myself suddenly under her thumb. Obviously, that was a very immature way of looking at it. It should have been out of respect for her feelings that I avoided even the appearance of infidelity. I should have waited until she could go as well. Basically, it was a lapse of good judgement and very selfish, but I can't take that back now. What's done is done. I just have to learn from it. I just really would like not having good days ruined by these accusations; it sets the relationship back, and it's hard enough without that.