For those who don't wish to read the ssm thread this has been a long road. I came to this site back in 2001 when I discovered my h's ea went through seperation and h wanting a d. Came to the piecing forum back when there were only 5 regular posters. It's been over 4 years since h's return home, OW apparently no longer part of the equation. Things have never been smooth sailing. Sure there was that blissfully exciting honeymoon period where I thought things were really going to change but as time has gone by it seems things have only gotten worse.
h is now drinking more and doesn't deny it claims it's "not a problem"
h has been purchasing pay per view porn (some costing $10.99) while I'm at PTO meetings or running out to the 24 hour mart store to pick up household items. when I try to talk with h about it again "it's not a problem"
h has always acted un interested in having a physical relationship with me in this year we went over 6 months with no physical contact other than the obligatory peck hello and goodbye. I used to try to address the issue with him but gave up. Now that h is drinking more and watching porn it seems he's suddenly interested but I'm not. It's not that I'm not interested it's that it doesn't feel at all intimate. There just doesn't seem to be any closeness involved...no warming up just a blatant "what are we going to do about this" as he stands in front of me with his member ready. I'm not a prude and not against having some fun with my h but when that's all there is and it wasn't that way before....
I don't know what to think anymore.
when I try to address the drinking with h he claims "it's not a problem" and goes further to justify his drinking by claiming "haven't I been more social lately" as if he needs to have a few beers and a nip (yes he's gotten into the hard stuff) to spend a few minutes talking to me.
when I try to address the porn again I am met with "it isn't a problem" and when I try to explain to him that though he's been more interested in sex lately it feels empty, I'm met with "whatever I do"
I'm really starting to feel like I'm living a lie. I wasn't happy with the r to begin with and now have these extra factors to deal with (yes I know they are his problems but they do change the dynamic of the r). In a sense he is giving me more of what I wanted but not in the manner I want. If you have to drink to spend time with me then you shouldn't spend time with me. If you have to watch porn to be interested in me physically then you shouldn't be physical with me.
I feel like I'm holding on for my children and my home...but am starting to feel like I'm not doing any one any good. Eventually my children will grow and see things for what they are...I'm afraid I will loose the respect of my children when it's apparent I've never had the respect of my h.
I try to post to others as I know that's the best way to get others to post to you but I'll admit I come here and look around and find myself overwealmed. I don't know where to begin and then don't know what to say. I used to be very good at posting to others but then it seemed the more I posted to others the more I thought about what I would say to myself if I were reading me and it frightened me because I would tell myself to prepare to leave.
I did go to a c for a while but realized it was a fruitless endevour to do so.
I've got myself a life...I'm co-chair of the PTO, started a monthly book discussion group, a girls night out club, a small catalog business, a montly dinner club with couples (h attends as well) have a network of friends both local and out of town that I talk to and get together with regularly. There's really not much more I can squeeze into my life.
There was very little I asked h for when he decided he wanted to come home and most if not all of it was denied... 1. counseling (went 3 times together then gave up h didn't want to address anything and got angry when I did) 2. date night, could be going out or a night at home after putting kids to bed to play cards, talk etc. (h claimed he couldn't commit to such a thing) 3. ow no longer a customer (this one eventually happend but of her doing not his. she continued on as a client for almost a year)
there were several other points but they all seem irrelevant now.
I obviously could ramble on forever but I'll let anyone who's chosen to read this far digest for now.
I'm open to any comments you may have even if it's that you don't know what to say.
