Patience and a quiet mind? ahhh I guess so, only 'cause I beat those demons off with a stick (a big one)
Although I've gotta say, tommorrow is Evil C day for her. She's been trying to hide it from me. But I'm not really too concerned about it anymore. Although that nasty C doesn't ever do me any good. I think she's losing her power.
Been just lurking for awhile. I check in and read but haven't posted on my own.
Several reasons. 1. Felt like I was almost there and I think in some cases talking about it can be a real hindrance. Like we get the satisfaction before actually before actually getting the job done and there is less motivation to actually get the job done because we have already recieved some of the satisfaction. Does that make sense at all.
These boards and the people here are wonderful and I wouldn't be where I am without them. However I think at certain times they can be a hindrance.
2. Feeling like success is so close I felt I could really help others once acheiving that success and wanted to wait for it. Although all of us who've been through it know that success is irrespective of whether our mate is still with us, it's a bunch of hooey to a newbie.
3. Some of my recent ponderings have been around some enlightenment caused by a certain book reccomended by TJ. Some of that material just doesn't seem proper on a mixed gender board (although it really is, it just doesn't seem that way)
Along those lines something thought provoking.
W and I recently rescued a Siberian Huskie. Adopted her from the pound. Huskies really exhibit pack animal characteristics. When the evil C started counselling my W much of what she was giving her was based on an audio program called "Women who run with the wolves". I think this program was huge in starting the feminist movement.
Anyway it likens women's characteristic to wolf traits. How they need their independence and breathing space. All that good stuff.
Well in working with this dog I realized how much the dog respected me and did as I wanted if I was the Alpha male. But if I gave in to it it walked all over me. I saw quite an analogy here and it provoked a great deal of thought.
Anyway
So you probably don't know circumstances of my first days on the board here but to give you a synopsis, my wife and I had gone through some very traumatic times. We were in fear for our lives at times. We definetely were at risk of losing everything at the very least. We had many people trying to persecute us. Looking back I feel we were both in this constant surreal state of panic.
So wife and I are talking and she says something to the effect of the need for the last two years of therapy and personal growth was the result of the things that happened to us back then. I see what see's doing. It appeares whe wants to move forward and not feel guilty for trying to leave the marriage. Ain't no way I would guilt her in any way anyway. I think she was just feeling it out.
Seemed that way anyway.
Things are good. No more wierdness. She's skipped the last few evil C appointments. Her body language towards me has changed completely for the positive. Especially in the last two days. We seem to be back to us.
She's out Christmas shopping for me now but we all know what I really want.
hey its almost next year - I hope with all my heart that in 2007 ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE
so be careful what you wish for
havn't been on here for weeks (feels like years) and I sooooo get what you say in your first few lines of the last post
Quote: However I think at certain times they can be a hindrance.
cognitely speaking
I feel great, and nothing bothers me I am having fun and working out my life and sometimes just sometimes being on here kinda drags me down a little I miss talking to people and seeing what they are doing and wishing them well - but when I get off I kinda feel a bit weird sorta like I am doing ok and feel bad cos not everyone is
but hey I had to come back and wish you a great 2007 and see what you were up to (had been up to)
the less you do the more she does
you have a great new year and I hope you had a great chrissy
thanks for the well wishes. I'm pretty certain they all will come through.
Things are still progressing towards to positive. It's an amazingly slow process but little milestones are there to tell me we're moving forward.
It's amazing how easy they'd be to miss if I wasn't looking for them though. This whole process is an amazing thing.
Yesterday we had a little fight. But it was good. She has been out of the habit of keeping me informed of her plans. Little things but it comes across as sneaky. It's residue from the days when she insisted that telling me what she planned to do each day was an infringement on her freedom. That Hippie %@#$% she got from her T. So yesterday when I get back from my jog her brother is there and it appears as if she has plans. I get angry and she asks me why. I tell her I was not informed she was taking the day off. she says she had. Anyway oncce it was all out in the open things got better real fast.
What I find amazing is the change after a makeup. We're not quite to makeup sex yet but I certainly understand the concept now. That was something that would have never been possible in the old days. Fighting can be good.
We had a discussion the other day over something that's been brewing for awhile.
Oftentimes I end a statement with the word "Right"
For a few months she sometimes mimics me when I do this. I ask why. She's never responded. She seems a little pretentious when she does this.
So she does it again and I ask. This time she tells me. she says I use the word "Right" a lot and I mean differnet things when I say it. Sometimes I'm looking for feedback sometimes not. But the problem is that I'm throwing ideas out so fast that when I say "right" she hasn't had time to process what I've said. This makes her feel bad (inferior)
I've thought about this some and she's right. I do say right a lot and I have several meanings of it. Most of time what it means is "are you following what I'm saying". But sometimes it means "do you agree".
I realize that it's similiar to when I'm teaching, I use different phrases to ascertain whether a student is grasping what I'm saying. Phrases are different according to how a student learns (visual, auditory, kinetic, etc). But I talk fast and hope people keep up with me.
I'm excited when I teach just like I'm excited when I'm putting together an idea.
My students always say I can blow their minds in under five minutes. Most of them can't handle me for more than that. I guess that must be hard to be around as a mate.
My wife relayed this to me a few weeks ago. I had just walked out of the room and a woman (who is my business partner in another business) asks my wife how she can handle me 24/7. My wife replies "Oh it's fine once you just accept that he's always right"
Now if you weren't there I'm sure you'd think she was being fascetious. Saying I'm a know it all. But she wasn't, She was totally messing with this woman.
However putting all this together I've realized how much it must not feel good to be around as a spouse. My mind goes a mile a minute and she has a hard time keeping up. She relayed this in her separation letter to me. Basically how stupid I make her feel (I know realize what she was saying)
I see it around me a lot. When I teach sometimes people will actually hold their heads. Many say I make their brain hurt. But they come back for more because they know how good I make them.
But these people take me in small doses. My wife has to deal with it all the time.
I don't know what the solution is or if there is one but at least having it out in the open is a big step.
There's a line from a movie that my wife has been quoting for a long time.
Male voice- "It must be great being the smartest one in the room"
you are doing good and I think that you have always assumed that she of all the people in the world is the one who keeps up and understands you maybe now you are beginning to realise that she is just human after all
1) Assumptions and expectations - I've been accused of being way to ahead in my thoughts - W would wonder where I was or where I was going (mentally) now I breathe, slow down, paraphrase, UNDERSTAND. Good insight on your part.
2) Fighting is good. Here, a slightly different spin - being a man when you are being taken advantage of - this is good - invokes a primal thing in both sexes that well, can lead to make up sex. Think I posted about my little blow out a couple weeks back with W about giving our S4 some medicine. While that didn't turn into m/up sex, she told me a couple days later she wanted to f me right there - because I was standing up for myself and not being a total wussbag.
You're on the path my friend...don't waver.
And Happy New Year!
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Quote: 2) Fighting is good. Here, a slightly different spin - being a man when you are being taken advantage of - this is good - invokes a primal thing in both sexes that well, can lead to make up sex. Think I posted about my little blow out a couple weeks back with W about giving our S4 some medicine. While that didn't turn into m/up sex, she told me a couple days later she wanted to f me right there - because I was standing up for myself and not being a total wussbag.
Yes and no. I agree that standing up for yourself is good, but HOW you do that is very important. I tend to be defensive and while I am standing up for myself, I am also being abrasive, aggressive and overly emotional, all of which are big "turn-offs" for my W.
When I manage to calmly, with QUIET strength, stand up for myself without any of the extra crap, then yes, I think my status goes up in my W's eyes...and mine for that matter.
Quote: Yes and no. I agree that standing up for yourself is good, but HOW you do that is very important. I tend to be defensive and while I am standing up for myself, I am also being abrasive, aggressive and overly emotional, all of which are big "turn-offs" for my W.
Agreed - showing that you need to tailor it to your own situation and leave out the abrasive stuff. See, my W was (and still is) great at the personal attack. What I am saying is that is the stuff to stand tall in the face of. I'd never attack for the sake of attacking - and when she did that to me during the medicine fiasco, I simply made clear I'm not to be treated that way - I didn't put it back on her. Respect and dignity we acheived.
But you're right on.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
