I too am looking forward to some outside input. So far there does not seem to be any negative backlash, but I'm not sure what has happened, if it did, either. Got to keep this short. Good luck
that is very funny Xue I reckon she would have knocked me block off
my D16 just started kickboxing she loves it
and today she started work as well a couple of days a week working with horses and training them to be nice horses she had a great time today and raced home to get ready for her kickboxing lesson
personally I thought she would be fast asleep by this time or maybe I was hoping so I would'nt have to drive and drop her off and then go back and pick her up
watch, see, wait, have patience, things are moving at a snails pace but moving funny isn't it 12 months ago things were not moving fast enough and we see the smallest movements and changes
got my fingers crossed for you getting a great christmas present if you know what I mean
W and I used to have a fantastic New Years tradition. Wow I miss that. Would sure like to bring it back. It was fireworks to ring in the new year (If you know what I mean)
Things are still good. She's at her sisters and I'm going over there shortly. She seems to be feeling me out a little lately. A little concerned that I might not want to go with her to her families I think. I was a little surprised at that. She's going to stay there tonight to catch up with her brother and I'm coming home. When I asked her if she planned to stay the weekend there she backpeddled at bit and let me know she'd most likely be home in the morning. Months ago she would have asserted her independence and freedom by staying gone for the weekend. I think that is very different now. She seems to have done a 180.
Last week she said something that has been just the slightest little bit of giving in to me. We were talking about people and their expertise in different fields. Many people assume that I have a high level of expertise in any field. Obviously that is not true. I have expertise in many things though because I love to learn. We were talking about how to select the right type of person to be my protege'. It's a tough question. So W says "Well take our late grandmaster for example, he was an expert in a few things but I certainly wouldn't go to him for marital advice. You though (Xue) have the ability to learn anything"
I was literally dumbfounded by the statement and socked it away for future thought. Couldn't process it at the time. But considering our sitch I think it's extremely relevant. Still a bit dumbfounded though. For two years now her opinion is that I'm beating a dead horse. She's got to admire my persistence even though it frustrates her. My giving her space has given her nothing to argue against though. But this slightest admission that I might know something about how to fix a broken relationship is monumental.
Of course I didn't say a word. Not one.
I guess I'll probably be a deer in the headlights when she comes back too.
Forgive me if I may be off the mark here. Just some thoughts.
First, the word that comes to mind is "primal." Just something to think about.
Quote: Months ago she would have asserted her independence and freedom by staying gone for the weekend. I think that is very different now. She seems to have done a 180.
This is good. She seems to be getting more comfortable with the sitch as time goes on. I still think that it will take ACTION and not some level of comfort for you to get over that hurdle and for Santa to bring you some...um...Christmas pudding.
Quote: So W says "Well take our late grandmaster for example, he was an expert in a few things but I certainly wouldn't go to him for marital advice. You though (Xue) have the ability to learn anything"
(This is the part where I think I may be off...you judge)
I take this as a tricky statement. I am a similar person and my W thinks similarly of me. She KNOWS I love to read and learn but in the past she didn't respect my "book knowledge." When this marital crisis started, of course I turned to reading everything I could, trying to LEARN what went wrong, what I did wrong, what could be done, etc. She knew that and frowned upon it. She has always been one to think that the right actions/words come via some mystical vehicle powered by passion and intimate knowledge of a person/subject, not because of some text book.
Back to your W. I suspect it's possible she may think the same thing. Either I am way off base or you already knew that. I think this comment was somewhat of a compliment in the overall scheme of things, but an insult where your handling of the marital sitch is concerned.
My W, and I think most WAS's need to KNOW what we are doing is not just some reactive thing we've learned to do because of our current sitch but rather a fundamental shift in who we are, who we want to be.
If my W were to tell me that she knows I can learn anything, in the context of our "issues" over the past year or so, I would probably take it as her way of telling me that she still sees the strings allowing me to fly, that she doesn't quite believe it's for real yet.
The bottom line is that she IS seeing you be a different, better man through all this and that is what's important.
To me, it all leads back to that one thing, and that's that your consistent actions, and maybe one big leap of faith will be what changes her heart for good.
Quote: But this slightest admission that I might know something about how to fix a broken relationship is monumental.
But then again, if you're like me at all, being a "fixer" is one of the problems. I had to learn that my W resented me thinking she was something in need of fixing.
Again, sometimes it's good enough to fix the car without explaining how or why you did it.
I think you are doing GREAT with this toughest of life's challenges. I was just in the company of a couple hundred masters, grand masters and doctors of Martial Arts and it's amazing how many of their stories are filled with struggle and most of all perseverance.
You have that in you not only because of what you've recently learned about yourself, your W, women in general and relationships, but also because of who you've always been as a man. Believe in that as I am sure so many who look up to you do.
Quote: When this marital crisis started, of course I turned to reading everything I could, trying to LEARN what went wrong, what I did wrong, what could be done, etc. She knew that and frowned upon it. She has always been one to think that the right actions/words come via some mystical vehicle powered by passion and intimate knowledge of a person/subject, not because of some text book.
Absolutely the same as me. Without a doubt. That's why the statement was such a shock, it was said with sincerity. One of my biggest struggles has been learning to not be Mr. Fixit. A really tough battle for me. This is why I bit my tongue when she said it.
For months now I've avoided anything that could be construed as "Knowing how to fix it". Just did my thing and avoided trying to prove my point in any way or do anything at all that was anything other than just being loving. But truly for me (and many) this was fixing it, just not in the way I would have previously done it
Quote: The bottom line is that she IS seeing you be a different, better man through all this and that is what's important.
I believe that is true.
Quote: To me, it all leads back to that one thing, and that's that your consistent actions, and maybe one big leap of faith will be what changes her heart for good
Yes, just not sure what that leap is yet. We will see.
Quote: I think you are doing GREAT with this toughest of life's challenges. I was just in the company of a couple hundred masters, grand masters and doctors of Martial Arts and it's amazing how many of their stories are filled with struggle and most of all perseverance.
I've been through some challenges that I thought were extreme that's for sure, but this has been tougher. And speaking of challenges, one thing I've been working on lately is not "being my story", not getting locked down to those challenges we've had but to look at them merely as a transitory life experience which was there for the purpose of my learning. Nothing more.
In the presence of a lot of MA's huh. I'm interested. What kind of an event.
I had a very interesting MA related trip a few weeks back. Cool stuff.
Quote: because of who you've always been as a man
And this process has certainly brought that man out.
Quote: Believe in that as I am sure so many who look up to you do.
Fake it long enough and you become it. Yes you are right. Quite a revelation.
and just when you thought I wasn't coming back I have been really busy doing stuff and more stuff going to parties, conferences, 4wding D16 started work - training horses in how to behave better around humans and then she started 'kickboxing' and so I have been driving her there three to four nights a week she loves it
just thought I would pop in to see how you were going and to wish you an awesome Chrissy good to see you are still doing fine
I just know you can sense when I'm doing well and don't need to come around to straighten me out. So I wasn't worried. I do like you stopping by to say Hi though.
Yoyo, yeah I've really investigated the advice giving thing. It really (psychologically) establishes a non peer to peer relationship. Hence inequality. Not good for a marriage.
As for my sitch, it's good. I'm still noticing subtle positive changes. Some of them physical. I'm just thinking that at this point the disagreement is over and we are just slowly easing into the physical part comfortably. Feels that way anyway. Nothing to report but better kisses and a more open body language.
I know from experience that if I push it'll backfire so I'm laying low as far as that goes. I'm sure there will be a time though soon for that to change. I'll be watching closely for the cues.
Her chasing me is better though.
One thing that I really notice is that our minds are back in sync with each other. We used to say the same sentences at the same time and we are doing it again. We think amazingly alike sometimes. For the last few years what I have been saying has always been misinterpreted by her in a very negative way, not anymore.
A lot of things she has said has led me to believe her thinking has changed but this one yesterday really stuck with me. We were talking about a friend who is a bit depressed. He has to do some things (like move across country and give up his business) to accomodate his W and he's very depressed.
My W is trying to help him out because "We all make really poor decisions when we are depressed"
I think all us "fix it" people end up here (on a positive note we don't give up!). It's kind of interesting to think that part of "fixing it" is by not fixing it.
Xue, I haven't read your sitch, but I think your spouse acknowledging that we all make poor decisions when we're depressed is a very good sign.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: One thing that I really notice is that our minds are back in sync with each other. We used to say the same sentences at the same time and we are doing it again. We think amazingly alike sometimes. For the last few years what I have been saying has always been misinterpreted by her in a very negative way, not anymore.
This is awesom Xue, and a great sign of coming together again (maybe even better than sex...LOLLOLOLOLOL!!!)
I continue to be amazed by your patience and your quiet mind, just amazed! Althea
One of the advice given to me by my mentor was "learn to be dumb"... and let H be Mr.Fixit... 
