I guess I still see her as extremely headstrong in her opinion, but wavering. I think she still sees it as either I win or she wins at least part of the time. Although I've contributed to this in the past I'm sure I think that I am no longer playing into that.
Well the Gala was great. I stepped out and took some chances like you guys have been telling me to.
We got to the hotel early and took a nap. When we started to get ready for the party I started turning it on a little. Telling her how sexy she looked and such. It was all accepted well.
Once at the party I became a little more affectionate with her. We danced nearly every dance from the first dance on. Almost all fast dances but we were constantly touching each other affectionately. She'd lean over to whisper in my ear and I'd put my arm around her gently as she did. We danced like this for a long time.
Then a slow danced came. She immediatly turned to leave and I grabbed her and aggressively pulled her back. I tried to pull her close but she resisted. She puts her arms between us when I pull her in. I was a little agressive about it. We ended up dancing with her one arm between us and the other we're holding hands. She would only allow me so close but she wouldn't let me pull away either, holding my hand in tight if I tried. Strangely symbolic of the way the relationship has been also, will only allow me to get so close but won't let me pull away either.
So we took a break from the dance floor. She's on the committee for the event so we had to get some work done. But as soon as we were done we were back out there on the dance floor. Fast dances again but now she's dancing far more sensually (wine?). Coming really close and sexy like then backing off. More in her little dance world this time though. Driving me freakin nuts is what she's doing.
We had met a woman there that totally fit into my "type" profile which is pretty specific. I'm certain my W recognized this before me. She kept bringing her up. and did so the next day too.
I recognize on the way out that W has had a little too much wine. Her voice was changing to a familiar "too much wine" tone.
We get back to the hotel and sit on the couch watching TV and talking.
When she gets up I make a move. I grab her and pull her in tight and tell her what I want. She has her arms around me too and at first it's ok. She kisses me and I kiss her on the shoulder and neck. This lasts for a few seconds And then the defenses go up. Arms go in between us. I keep it up pretty aggressively. She kisses me goodnight and walks out.
A few seconds later I come into the bedroom. I undress and crawl into bed with her(It was a room with double beds, she had earlier made the excuse that it was the last room so she took what she could get). I try to put my arms around her, she's till defensive. I hold her hand for a bit but eventually the pillows go in between us. In about a halk hour she gets up to go to the bathroom and when she returns she gets in the other bed.
So here's the really strange part. All of this is strangely liberating. It actually puts a smile on my face. I made my move and I knew the chances were probably close to 100% against me. But did it anyway. I couldn't understand it at first. I get rejected, which has been a terrible fear for me, and I'm almost happy about it. But then I realize, all of a sudden I'm not at all relying on her for and reflected sense of self. I feel pretty damn good about myself and her response to me has nothing to do with me.
I'd sure like to get it on with her but this is unrelated to my own feelings of myself. Strangely I had even caught myself in the mirror that night and realized "Hey, not bad"
So I lay there in bed after being rejected by my wife. Smiling!
The next morning things were good. Wasn't sure how they would be but it was all good. She was a little hung over, we hung out. She was even slightly affectionate when I kissed her. We spent the day window shopping and goofing off.
But last night her kisses turned slightly cold. At least I know why. She was doing the laundry and found the condoms in my pocket. Hey, I'm a positive thinker!
Oh well. Don't htink it will last long.
So that was my great adventure. GH and BJ I finally took your advice. Knew damn well I'd get rejected but somehow that wasn't the important thing. And that few seconds when she was thinking about it, ohhhh.
So I'm all of a sudden a pretty happy guy unaffected by rejection for the most part. We'll see what effect that has on the relationship. It has certainly had a wonderful affect on me and it removes her control from me.
Bj, I think your right about my body language. I always thought I was pretty hard to read but people tell me different. I think this will certainly show through.
I've made some spiritual connections with this to. Amazing how it's all related!
