Hi, I've been posting here for over a year. I read DB and now the Divorce Remedy Book.
Both books have given me hope and pushed me away from divorce. I have made lots of changes and these have seen positive effects for the family. I have three children: 15, 12 and 8. I have always worked full time and had jobs that pay benefits etc. H was out of work three years, now works flexible hours and gets children to school.
We've been married 19 years and went to many counselors -- all recommended divorce and didn't seem to know how to fix anything. So without your books, Michelle, I wouldn't have known that divorce wouldn't solve our problems or that there was something I could do to change the situation.
Last year H had told me he would divorce me. He told me in October and again in December in a counselor's office. We were referred to mediators, we never went. Things are less stessful now because of all the changes I made in communication patterns.
My goal is to have a strong relationship again and be best friends again. I want us to help each other and be able to confide our hopes and fears and dreams.
However, I've not felt safe since the divorce threats started thirteen years ago. H would threaten me with divorce and tell me I was inadequate. I've grown a lot and know I could never put up with that abuse again. I realize now he was projecting his inadequacies to me and blaming all his unhappiness on me. I was also vulnerable and believed his criticisms of me too readily. H isn't able to apologize for his mistakes and cannot connect with people. He has offended my parents so much I'm surprised my Mother's willing to stay here. I have accepted H's shortcomings and realize he cannot be more than he is.
He now goes out Friday nights for four hours and Saturday nights from 6-7 pm to 1-2 am. He goes to Qi Gong and says he has to sustain his energy. The philosophy is to increase his goodness. So it may help him. I have started building a separate life from him since he is gone so much.
I want us to go to Retrouvaille -- but when I suggest this H goes into a rage. He insists he agreed to go after the divorce, I say he agreed to go before he filed the papers.
I want us to start having time alone and as a family. I want us to plan things together -- if I suggest a plan, he tries to ruin it. If I ask him to plan something, he won't. I need less chaos. He needs to feel out of control and in pain and has to blame his unhappiness on me.
I want us to be able to talk about feelings, but can't because he'll say I am the couse of his troubles and he wants a divorce.
