So something hit me about myself today. My own demon. Yesterday I ran into something she had written in a notebook. (snooping a bit I guess, kinda ran into it accidentally) It was her description in writing of the day we separated. She described it in detail. What hit me was she said I was more afraid than she had ever seen me. That's important. We've been through some really scary stuff together. But she was right, this affected me more than anything ever has.
Today I realized that she was right and I realized why.
when I was very young, 3 or 4, my mother had an affair. I have one memory of tempers flaring. She ran off with another man who became my step father. Well life wasn't good after that (who knows what it was like before). My step father was an abusive drunk and my mom was a numb drunk. Life was hell. My natural father had no contact with us. He left and never saw us again. Talked on the phone a few times but that was it. A therapist told him in the beginning that that would be the besst thing for us. That families that were torn apart by divorce suffered terrible problems and it was best to just let us have our life and not interfere. Well as one could guess my child mind attributed all of the pain and suffering we went through to divorce. We suffered horrible things and looking back I'm sure in my mind they were because of divorce. I've never realized that that is my own demon. Never knew that was my greatest fear. Mostly because the threat of it was so immobilizing for me that I blocked much of it out. Went numb. I'm sure we could talk a great deal about this but no need. The effect it's had is what's important to realize. And how to change it.
When this first came about it was a mortifying fear for me. I fought off terrible self destructive thoughts for a very long time.
As with everyone, it's a painful process. For me it was immobilizing.
Now looking back I can say that because my fear was so immobilizing it created what I feared the most. Strange how that works.
I'm really getting to understand why this is a spiritual battle more than anything.
What to do with my new found knowledge? Not sure, but it's a start.
