I do watch her body language and I sense it quite well. It's what's been confusing me.
But no longer. I see it pretty clearly now. I also see that she tests me pretty hard.
Her body language changes pretty quickly and I see very clearly now that it is direct relationship to whether I am pursuing her or I am headed in another direction.
This is a typical interaction. All week her body language is quite reserved. Friends but not lovers sort of thing. Kisses are friendly but no passion. She's my business partner, she's my best friend, she's my roomate, but that's it. Often times when I kiss her she kisses me back but wipes it off her mouth. So we go to a social event. I start socializing with others. My attention is not on her. I've actually forgotten my usual pain for a moment as I'm enjoying a conversation. Then unexpectedly I feel her arm slip through mine and she pulls her body hard against me. Making sure I feel her breasts pushed into me. I feel good. I feel things are fixed. I pursue a bit. When I go to kiss her goodnight later on it's a good kiss but she quickly rolls over on the couch so that I cannot approach closer. Then within a day or so she goes cold again.
Being an optimist I come here and post my success. Of course by the time I'm posting we're already in a downhill slide and I feel it emotionally.
Thinking back over the last 17 years I see this pattern over and over.
I see that she very much wants what she can't have but despises what is freely hers. This is a very human characteristic but it is very strong in her. Why I don't know, and finding the reason is merely an intellectual pursuit of little value.
Coffee. That wonderful brew. Coffee plays a significant role here also. Strange as it may seem.
For the first few years of marriage she had a strong aversion to making coffee. As a child it was her job to make coffee and if she forgot her father awakened her in a rage. I don't know the specifics.
I do know that it was a struggle for her to prepare the coffee the evening before. There was symbolism attached to it. The symbolism of being a good daughter. The symbolism of being a good wife. There was a strong aversion to it. Like making coffee was stealing her freedom. Strange as this may sound I've known it for a very long time. So I've always made the coffee. No big deal. Or so I thought.
Now here's the interesting part. When we first went to counseling 01/18/05 the evil C convinced her that coffee was at the root of her anxieties and she needed to give it up. Following the evil C's advice as if she were some wise sage that knew all, she did. Now she didn't drink that much in the first place. No more than 2 cups and nothing else with caffiene throughout the day. But giving it up created such an extreme physical reaction that she was totally immobilized. Not the normal headaches and such. She was literally curled up in a ball on the floor. Her muscles constricted. She was crying and couldn't move for days. It was as if she'd given up heroine.
Later she professed the evils of coffee and was a "free" woman for giving it up.
Onward.
So about a month into our separation (we hadn't hardly talked to one another all month, things were very tense) She shows up with coffee. We went to the room and had coffee and hung out. It was the first time we had any kind of reconciliation.
Each day I tried to duplicate that. I'd lure her to the couch with coffee. Some days it worked, others not. Eventually it became our ritual and we normally spend 30-60 minutes every morning on the couch having coffee.
Now here's the kicker. Her attitude towards me is relative to the coffee. For example: Yesterday she gave her coffee to me. Said she didn't want it. Yesterday was a bad day. Today she immediatly asked if I'd go to starbucks and get her a double Latte. Today was a good day.
When she's about to turn cold that morning over coffee she'll say that she's going to give up coffee. I know very well that it is representative of following the advice of the evil C when she says it and there is more in that statement than appears on the surface.
Sounds strange but I've observed it over and over. I'm sure my reaction contributes also.
So today I'm doing a little testing myself. I ussually try to make sure she gets breakfast if she needs to head out for something. This morning I made it for myself and made no attempt at cooking her breakfast. Also, I ussually give her a kiss on her way out. Sometimes she'll head out and not approach to give me a kiss. My usual reaction is to get up and kiss her. This morning I didn't. She walked to the door, opened it and was on the way out. I didn't do a thing. Just kept at the computer. Guess what she did. Came back walked back to me and kissed me. It took a hell of a lot of willpower on my part, but it worked.
