Ya know I'm really seeing quite a disconnect between her actions and the things she thinks she wants to say. I think. Yeah I know putting words in her mouth but.
The way she kisses me is definetely significant. On her way out this morning she was headed out without a kiss. On her way to the evil C. I told her to give me a kiss and she did. But it was cold. She fluctuated a whole lot this morning between hot and cold. It's almost like on evil c days she's got to be that way to report to the C what she wants to hear. But she can't stay that way.
20 minutes later she's gotta call me to tell me about something she heard on the radio. It's like she tries to be cold to me but can't stay that way.
When she gets back from evil C she's cold again. But a few hours later she's changed.
So I sit down at her desk and in front of me are her notes scribbled on a napkin from her C appointment. They say"
"Stop being late
Be honest with Xue"
Wow I'm impressed with my importance.
So when she comes in she see's that her notes are there in front of me. Her eyes dart to them several times, I've obviously seen them. When I get up from the desk they are quickly snatched up.
So I'm headed out afterwards. I'm doing a live broadcast for election night. Big event. She puts herself between me and the door to make sure she gets a kiss on the way out.
Huh.
There's a serious disconnect here. Although she's not really saying anything I know her well enough to know what she's saying. Yes I can damn well read her mind (well kinda) But I also know that deep down she knows she's wrong.
She thinks she wants to leave me but she knows she doesn't.
I'm pretty damn sure she couldn't give a reason for going. She could give plenty for staying. But for some reason she's got in her head that she wants to go. But I don't think she knows what that means.
I'm also very sure that I remind the evil C of her Ex. The one she divorced right as we started therapy. She's bringing her own baggage in for sure.
Although I wish I could just go up and make a move as suggested. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work right now. Although I'm convinced it wouldn't take much to get into a position that it would work.
We stay in this stasis of me pursuing just a bit. Not to much but enough to know that I'm there. It also seems that as soon as I seem content to walk away she pursues pretty hard. I just haven't walked away far enough. I come back too soon.
The last time she pursued me was a few weeks ago. The dressing room incident. Well what I failed to mention on the boards is that I set that up. I walked into the place very confidently, talking to everyone. She didn't know anyone there, I did. I purposely struck up a conversation with a very attractive women like we were old friends. The girl was very flattered I was talking to her and showed it. My wife saw that. Moments later she was pursuing me.
I'm pretty damn confident that what I need to do is make myself scarce. And when she comes pursuing I gotta keep running. In the past when this has happened I've let her catch me way to easy. She's too confident that I'm too easy.
Now is the perfect time for it. Seeing the note is a great opportunity.
Now admittedly the note might not have been reffering to our R. Probably was but not necessarily. She hides financial data from me. She keeps our finances hidden from me. I know this is a source of her stress. Probably that old protecting me thing that she does. So it could have been about that. But I'll take the opportunity.
