I should be the LAST one to make this kind of statement because I have MANY threads worth of thinking behind me but you think too much and IMHO, thinking is NOT what your sitch needs.
I tried for a year to figure out what my W wanted, what made her tick, what made her happy, etc, etc, etc. Sure, I was also trying to figure all that out about myself too, but when it came to the intimacy part, the sparking romance, I was so caught up in trying to figure everything out.
I FIRMLY believe that was my downfall for so long. I over thought EVERYTHING about this aspect of our R. What did she like, what did I do wrong, will she reject me, does she want me to initiate, how do I initiate, does she like it in the bedroom, in public, nice, dirty, verbal, silent, lights on, lights off, buy her sexy undies, what? What do I do to make this happen?
It wasn't until, in a perfect un-thinking moment, I just started to really TRY to get what I wanted that I soon realized that that's all SHE wanted.
X, it's all about action, not trying to figure out how your actions are being taken. It's not about chess, it's about passion.
I don't know if any of you watch the new TV show Jericho but there was something VERY interesting on it last week. It wasn't anything new but it did illustrate something we all know to be true in these kinds of sitches, whether there was an OM/OW or not.
One of the characters on the show is a man who seems to be some kind of government agent. Anyway, he left his family to go do some mysterious thing for a few years. In this episode, he finds out his wife had an affair. He confronts her. She says "Why did you come back? I found a man who made me feel good about myself because of how he looked at me. Now I just have you, looking at me like...THAT." as he stares at her coldly.
The point is that while we all agree (I think) that the DB idea of taking responsibility for our own happiness, and some of us who have read Passionate Marriage also understand the concept of not relying on reflected self-image, there is something fundamental and primal about our ability to move someones emotional state by the passion in our eyes, the passion in our movement, and having them know, for sure, that it's all for them.
X, I think your W may just want to know that you're willing to risk everything and DO something without the safety net of understanding, or THINKING you understand what the outcome may be.
Before a couple weeks ago, I had NEVER, and I really mean that, NEVER just put myself out there, confidently expressing my desire/passion for my W the way I did. I would always try to figure out if she was in the mood or not, etc, never once just expressing how I felt, not because I wanted to make sure to entice her to ML with me, but because I really felt that way and wanted to express it. Sure, I DID want to ML, but what difference did that make, I wanted to do that for the past year with no luck.
X, I can't tell you HOW to do what you need to do, but I do believe that I discovered that I have the power to, well, for lack of better term, seduce my W, and I know that is something I never believed I could do. I always thought sex was on her terms, by her rules and her timing. I was wrong.
X, you don't have to be a cave-man, nor particularly "alpha" about all this, you just have to be willing to abandon some of this hyper-thinking you are doing and just act out of pure feeling. I know that's scary as hell and totally unpredictable but WTH.
IMHO (women, back me up on this...or not) most women don't like chess as much as they like direct, passionate action.
X, take your arm, sweep the board and all the pieces off the table and throw your W down on it, kissing her passionately as you do...or at least tell her you want to do that, lol!
