First, very sorry to hear your H files. You've had a long road and you've done well. It's an amazing path isn't it, no matter the outcome. I wish you well and hope some good will come of it although I'm sure much already has.
So good point. I may be invalidating just a bit. Definetely something I should think about and I will.
Quote: Don't get me wrong, I am a feminist. To me, this means women should be treated with the same respect as men, should be paid equally for the same job and should be given the same opportunities.
If this is the definition then I guess I'm a feminist too.
I guess I should clarify. I use a blanket term. I know what I mean in my own head but it probably doesn't come out that way. My wife and I don't really have any gender based roles in our relationship. I do all of the cooking and she does the dishes. I sometimes help with the dishes but she usually prefers I don't. We just do what works best and we have complimentary skills and likes. I love to cook and hate doing dishes. This sort of thing is the norm in the R. We are in business together and for the most part our decisions are talked out between us. Occassionally I am the final say on a subject but other times she gets veto power. It is most definetely an equal relationship when it comes to most things. There are times I need to be the boss but those are generally times that she just doesn't know what to do.
I look at the way our society has evolved and I see that we had a definite need for the feminist movement of the 70's. Things were out of balance and that movement had to take things out of balance in the opposite direction so that they could eventually settle in to a balancing point. It was a necessary upheaval and by definition had to go overboard to achieve it's goals. Nothing wrong with that it is a normal occurence for any system and society is certainly a system.
When I use the term I am reffering to those women still stuck in the overboard 70's upheaval. Those that believe that marriage itself is an evil. That society itself is completely wrong. That men must be controlled or they will put women back down. I am speaking of a radical in non radical times.
Quote: It's possible that your wife is harboring some resentments about motherhood, or traditional roles which, unfortunately, narrow her vision.
Nailed it dead on.
When we got married we made a plan. At 5 years of marriage we were going to sit down and negotiate, bring things to the table. The big thing on the table would be children. When I first proposed I really didn't want them but I hadn't thought it out much. She didn't want them. But as I fell deeper and deeper in love with her I realized that I did want them. We talked about this before marriage but we were in LALA land. Both thinking it would work itself out.
Now my wife harboured some deep set fears about children. Really freaked her out. Her extreme fear of death contributed to this (Why would I bring anything into this world that would eventually die) as did her own issues of thinking she would not be a good mother. It seriously freaked her out.
So our talk was to happen September 2004. We both know the talk is coming and the tension begins to build. We had had some very traumatic years and the timing was very bad. July 2004 she casually asks if I'd consider adopting. Not thinking much about it I say no. Later on I figured out she was putting feelers out. August 2004 I get "You know I'd give you a divorce if you wanted to find someone to have children with"
What!!! This was totally out of the blue
And a few weeks later the bomb. BAm!!!
So my problem is that I know that these things are not part of my wifes ideals and personality. Strong woman yes. Anti family, anti marriage, hell no. She has latched onto these things because of her extreme fear of having children.
And of course all the pressure a newly married couple gets didn't help.
The really funny thing is that lately she's had a real attraction to babies. This was not her until recently. She wouldn't touch them. Now it's just the opposite. She loves them and is always talking about how cute so and so is.
I think there is some serious internal conflict going on.
This would alos be evidenced by her physical ailments lately. Namely eczema. We're both big Carolyn Myss fans and according to Carolyn Myss eczema can be tied to the emotional need to settle down and start a family. Of course I've kept this to myself.
You definitely have some great pounts Althea. And I thank you. But there is more going on here than is obvious. You of course have made me think even more about it and it is certainly helpful
