Hey you cheeky bugger god I hate that you got scare and I come a running
just joking Xue I would follow you anywhere (well almost)
Funny how your wife answers a question with a question isn't it? me thinks you need to ask again - what is a strong woman - what does strong mean - and when she says don't you think I am one you say I always thought you were a strong woman I guess my idea of strong is independent able to make decisions alone - able to do many things alone - confident and someone with high self-esteem but also someone who is so strong that they are able to show their emotions - able to be afraid when it is called for and who is not afraid to be with someone and be part of a relationship because they are strong and don't become consumed by the relationship (now there you also found out what my idea of strong woman is)
and then after you have told her what your (bj's) definition of a strong woman is you then say so what IS YOUR definition of a strong woman - because I just realised that it may be something totally different.
The book title - I think you need to read the back cover and see what it is about - that or buy it for her and give it to her with a smile on your face - due to all the dog-eared pages from you reading it.
You know I am sure that I would have laughed at your jokes - if I had actually got them that is 'don't give up your day job'
I like bj's def. of "a strong woman" and I agree with her. I would add some more: Confidence with kindness and the courage to allow emotions to wash through you, not wash you away. An ability to stick to your principles, but also empathize with others and listen well. To be persistant when faced with a challenge (or as TJ says "an opportunity") without being stubborn. To learn from the past and not become stuck in the past.
Xue, I was thinking about you and how patient you are. I think your years of experience as a martial artist makes you exceptionally disciplined with your mind and enables you to apply some of your skills to the DB arena.
I have learned very well what unconditional love is and I'm telling ya, it hurts. But there it is.
I've read "The Dance of Anger" and it's a good book. The same author wrote "The Dance of Connection"; now that's one I wish I'd read many moons ago. Not at all anti-man, anti-R or anti-M, just pro-self.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Awesome stuff. So glad to have your help in understanding what a strong woman is from a woman's perspective. Very helpful.
Yes I actually downloaded the audio version and got through about half of it last night. At first it sounded like it was going to be anti-male. But it quickly changed and sounded like DB stuff.
Says it's based on Bowen therapy. Isn't that where db has it's roots?
My martial arts discipline helping me? I don't know, nothing to compare it too.
Things are good. W is making some very positive changes. She seems much happier. I think maybe she stopped chasing it and realized it didn't need to be chased it just was if you let it.
Had a fight with W last night. She put me in a bit a position with her "assertiveness" that she is learning. For her it seemed to be about her perception of me making decisions without her. I held my tongue for a couple of hours while I taught some classes but eventually I told her that there is no discussing with her. With her the answer is always no. She thinks she's being assertive but she behaves like a dictatotor "I won't have it" sort of thing. I explained this to her and said "Of course I'm going to make decisions without you, for years you've shot everything down with no discussion. What you think is us making a decision is really you telling it like it is. You get very angry about being left out of a decision but really it's the other way around"
She asked "Do you not want me to take part in decisions"
I said "That's not what I said, I said there are no discussions on it, you don't become part of the decision making process you just demand. So yes I want you to help with decisions but it hasn't really worked that way in the past"
I can tell this was a major issue. She has percieved that she is left out on decisions and this of course makes the problem worse. The more she feels left out, the more she demands, the more I leave her out, the more she demands....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH
So anyway in about ten minutes she made her "let's be friends" move and things were good.
However I still have to deal with the dilemna she put me in with her "Saying what she wants" assertiveness. GRRRRR.
Oh well, we've been working together on how to solve it.
Funny, she's trying to learn how to be less of a pushover and it's me becoming less of a pushover.
I know I spent too much time in my M doing as bj says and just laying down or throwing my arms up. Not good.
It doesn't mean that when WAW and I have a fight not that I look to demean or undercut her (although she still resorts to those tactics) - instead I hold my "upper" ground - even lean in a bit - strenght and honor.
Sometimes we find compromise, sometimes not but on some level we are communicating as strange as that might be for us martians.
And making up...that can be the best part....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Great point. I never thought about that but considering it it does actually signify a giant step.
Well I can happilly say that we have both developed some fighting skill (funny, that's what we do for a living) There is no undercutting, nothing childish and believe it or not a whole lot of listening is going on. The next day we actually were in a mood to work together constructively on fixing what we had fought over.
huh amazing. All these years I've avoided fighting, total conflict avoider (Ironic in a lot of ways isn't it?)
we females love a good 'chat' about life and its problems you martians make the mistake here - your all about fixing lifes problems - learn to listen - ask relevant questions and then wait (don't fix till asked)
we 'chat' you takeover and fix and we get pooeey about it so from here on we 'chat' you listen and we come closer got it?
