Wow didn't realize my old thread had locked. Here I was waiting and waiting and come to find out it already happened.
For me the locking of a thread is a milestone. Early on in my panic threads locked in days. Now they go on for months. But they always signify a change for the positive.
Previously I have always hoped for the change in my W at thread lock time. And truly there always was. But in reality those changes were in response to my own. And the expectations of success I had at the locking of a thread were surely a big part of this.
So this thread lock I'm going to "expect" something different. I'm going to expect the miraculous change in myself.
Repeatedly I realize the same things over and over. The things that trigger me occur (W's trip to evil C) and I backslide and lose a couple days of positive DB'ing over it. There is less and less of an effect each time but it is still present.
I've also realized that some of my actions are weak and pursuing. Not in a big way like they were but still just a bit.
I realize that true success will only be acheived when I am truly free of this. When I am truly me. I live for me and if she wants to come along then that is great. She's a great companion, my best friend, was a great lover, and much more.
But it's all about me.
I'll be taking command here. In a loving way but back in command.
BTW- One of the things I'm doing differently lately is posting in the threads of those new to DB'ing. I used to do it a little, now I do it more. So don't expect me to be to active in my own thread.
I've realized how much pressure is involved in the cliches typical of "Romantic love concepts"
"Your my everything" "You complete me" etc.
A person that is the object of these is under a great deal of pressure to "Be my everything" or to "complete me"
What a drag.
We think and the fairy tales say that this is the greatest compliment, that it is total devotion. And we are taught that this is what a woman wants. But it is the farthest thing from the truth I can imagine.
It is dependency, it is neediness, it is controlling, it is an energy drain.
I complete me
I am the most important thing to me
Contrary to what it seems, these statements are very loving. They say "I am me, you are you, we are both strong individuals, we are not dependent on one another, But being strong individuals we can hang out and find even more strength (and pleasure) in the respect we have for one another and in being together"
Truly the opposite we were taught by society about being married. No wonder marriages fail.
It's funny how this has come around for me. I subscribed to the other thought because I was taught it. I thought it the right thing to do. But I had to go against my nature to do it. It was all about compromising myself and my integrity. But this is wrong.
Also funny that it echoes my political beliefs. I am a libertarian. Libertarians base much of their beliefs on epistological objectivism. Ayn Rand founded this belief system, it is mostly laid out in the book "The Virtue of Selfishness"
Who knew that my political beliefs would really end up being much the same as my relationship beliefs. As I've gone through this journey I've found that it is all so connected. Relationships whether they are a marriage, a business, a community. a political belief. It is all much the same.
I've pulled the Virtue of selfishness out of the shelf and intend on reading it again. I think there are more secrets in there.
That is downright awesome stuff....and a huge revelation for any DB'r so take note.
Neediness and self doubt are implicitly draining on any relationship - they disguise themselves as jealousy and anger. When we are able to put it to an end, look inward for our happiness and THEN start projecting it outward, what huge steps we take. We increase our attractiveness and we're able to stand tall. Proud. As we should be BTW, we're trying to save something important here...
And you are right - framed the right way, taking care of ourselves is precisely loving. Good observation on society and M - it comes from a place of need - "I need to be married" - heard that one before. Pooh. I PREFER to be married and by bringing the best *ME* the the R that I can, I become that much more able to give love freely - without expectation and neediness. I'm here because I want to be here.
That becomes a huge change in perspective. This might be why Michelle believes that it only takes one person to save an M. I know as W and I make our way through space, we have started more so talking in terms of wants - what we want for our kids, ourselves (individually) and for our M. We need little else. And a long way from the "I need" conversations we were having 14 months ago when the bomb was dropped....
Good stuff Xue, you're onto something....not easy stuff - turning a blind eye when WAW was off doing her thing with the OM, and whatever was the hardest thing I have ever done but ONCE I started looking forward at all the *NEW* opportunities that were in front of me, I became renewed.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
I agree. I see romantic love as an addiction to certain combinations of endorphins, adrenaline, etc. Chemical dependency, even though the chemicals are naturally produced by your body, directed by your brain.
Like a little wine or almost anything, really, it's okay in moderation, such that you remain in rational control of yourself. Once it drives you to self-destructive behavior, however, well, that ain't good.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
have been looking for you - now I feel better that I found my friend again I was seriously thinking I lost you I must say I am so glad that you are in great spirits and still full of wonderful realisations - did you ever think that your polital beliefs are just that because they align more with who the real you is - though I must admit to not understanding the whole political thing in the US
anyhow just glad to have found you now I can go off to Canberra for the weekend and not worry
well I would have gone anyway but I was a little worried about you - running off to a new thread like that
Men take not of the above interaction. When we men make ourself a little scarce the women come running
So our political beliefs reflect our core beliefs. Interesting. How far could we take that? I feel the title of a great book coming on.
"Want a great lover, Love a Libertarian"
or
"Liberals lack Libido"
OK so sorry, I'm crackin myself up. I guess it's good I can entertain myself.
Great day with W today. We went and looked at houses. Not in the market for one, just having fun. She had a great time and was in a great mood. We had planned on working at least a half day but blew it off and hung out. Good stuff.
So for days she's been hinting at what she talked about in T. Little mentions here and there. Sounds like her therapist basically told her she had some anger issues. She thought I'd get a kick out of that.
I did.
So today we're talking and she's been leading up to the fact that the T told her to go buy a book. I casually and a bit indifferently ask about what. So she tells me "It's a book about how strong women are always percieved as bitches and then they give in and become doormats and get angry about it, story of my life"
So we talk a little about this. I suggest that she define the phrase "Strong Woman" and that might help her in her desires.
W "Like me" M "Well try to define exactly what it means to you" W "Oh you mean I'm not" M "No, it's just that if you define it better it might further you towards your goals" W "Nice cover" M "It's not a cover, it's just that when asking a question like that it's often beneficial to examine the question"
moments of quiet
W "So it's called Dance with anger" M "sounds interesting, I'm reading a book you might like also" W "I'll put it on my reading list"
The convo was light hearted and good. We are actually moving a bit towards intimacy I think. I told her something about me the other day that she didn't know and she was very curious (Fear of drowning yet I grew up on the ocean and love nothing more than being by the sea) She thought that was very curious considering my likes and wanted to talk about it and for me to explain it.
So she's opening up to me a little too I think.
So I just checked out the book at Amazon and the full title is
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
Ok so that's sounding pretty good.
I think it's a little on the bra burner side but it definetely seems to be pro marriage. It talks about having a strong I so we can have a strong We. A concept I definetely subscribe to.
My natural instinct was to argue against anything that came from the evil C but I didn't.
Any opinions from the girls on what it means to be a strong woman?
Thanks for finding me BJ. Hope your weekend in Canberras was great.
