Wow didn't realize my old thread had locked. Here I was waiting and waiting and come to find out it already happened.
For me the locking of a thread is a milestone. Early on in my panic threads locked in days. Now they go on for months. But they always signify a change for the positive.
Previously I have always hoped for the change in my W at thread lock time. And truly there always was. But in reality those changes were in response to my own. And the expectations of success I had at the locking of a thread were surely a big part of this.
So this thread lock I'm going to "expect" something different. I'm going to expect the miraculous change in myself.
Repeatedly I realize the same things over and over. The things that trigger me occur (W's trip to evil C) and I backslide and lose a couple days of positive DB'ing over it. There is less and less of an effect each time but it is still present.
I've also realized that some of my actions are weak and pursuing. Not in a big way like they were but still just a bit.
I realize that true success will only be acheived when I am truly free of this. When I am truly me. I live for me and if she wants to come along then that is great. She's a great companion, my best friend, was a great lover, and much more.
But it's all about me.
I'll be taking command here. In a loving way but back in command.
