Honestly..I think it depends on how it is done. I can easily see how some women may come across as parental in enforcing a boundary. "Your misbehaving so no dessert for you" kind of a thing. It's all in how it's done.
Some people when they enforce a boundary truly do come across as a tit-for-tat thing. Vindictive in nature. You did x so I WON'T do Y now! Or "Until you do X I WON'T do Y!" That's just sheer stubborness and completely unproductive. That's kind of what I see here.
My son has me busy running this morning...so I'll try to p ut some thought into what might be a productive boundary that won't come across as mothering as an example. Unless someone else beats me to it I know I've had them...but will have to access my archives LOL
Quote: "Your misbehaving so no dessert for you" kind of a thing. It's all in how it's done.
"How can you have your pudding, if you don't eat your meat?"
I think a large part of it is in the attitude. If it comes from a place of "I know that we're not having sex as often as you would like. I want to work on that with you. When you say mean things to me in anger, it makes it very hard for me to be close to you. I want to be close to you emotionally and sexually, are you willing to work on this with me?"
If it's more of a "You sorry SOB, you expect me to drop my drawers everytime you get a woody, but you treat me like sh!t all the time. No woman would ever want to have sex with you under these conditions!"
I think the reactions are going to be a wee bit different.
"How can you have your pudding, if you don't eat your meat?"
That's from a Pink Floyd album (The Wall?) isn't it? Ah, brings back memories.
Quote: I think a large part of it is in the attitude. If it comes from a place of "I know that we're not having sex as often as you would like. I want to work on that with you. When you say mean things to me in anger, it makes it very hard for me to be close to you. I want to be close to you emotionally and sexually, are you willing to work on this with me?"
If it's more of a "You sorry SOB, you expect me to drop my drawers everytime you get a woody, but you treat me like sh!t all the time. No woman would ever want to have sex with you under these conditions!"
In the beginning I used the first approach. It really hurt me that he could say things to me like that and I wanted him to know exactly how this made me feel and the effect it had on my relationship with him. I used to be reasonable and rational, but after years after banging my head against a brick wall I started using the second approach. He just can't see how the things he says can be so hurtful and disrespectful. He thinks that you 'should just get over it' and continue on your merry way. To me it is a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. It's too hard to forget that this person you love thinks/thought that you are a piece of dirt. Plus once you do it, it's too easy to do it again and again. The saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me' is such a load of bull, they can be just as damaging emotionally. I can't believe I was taught this when I was a kid.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Quote: "You sorry SOB, you expect me to drop my drawers everytime you get a woody, but you treat me like sh!t all the time. No woman would ever want to have sex with you under these conditions!"
LOL! I sometimes wish I had had the guts to say something like that! When I was LD it was because of an abusive H so I mostly said nothing at all and turned it all inward. I often wonder how I would have handled it with a "normal" partner. But I also wonder if it would have been an issue. I think it can be a matter of degree. Do you lose desire when your H calls you a F'ing B? Absolutely! But is it the same when he disagrees on the color of paint you want for the living room? I know women who use the whole reward system to get things done around the house and it works for both partners. I think that's the key. I have also known people who have put thier partners in a "parent" position and then resent when they are treated like a child.
Anyway, thanks for your input MrsNop and GEL.
Bear
The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
--Marcel Proust
Quote: Do you lose desire when your H calls you a F'ing B? Absolutely! But is it the same when he disagrees on the color of paint you want for the living room? I know women who use the whole reward system to get things done around the house and it works for both partners. I think that's the key. I have also known people who have put thier partners in a "parent" position and then resent when they are treated like a child.
I wish the reward system worked. Then we'd both get something out of it! Whenever we had sex he would just get up and go fishing or something, meanwhile our house fell down around our ears...
Funny, my H had a go at me the other day for acting like his mother and I was like ' well, der, you won't think for yourself so I have to. Works for you most days though doesn't it?'. He didn't have anything else to say after that. At the moment he's actually washing his car for the first time in 6 months or more and I didn't have to tell him to do it. Well, I did say something about how dirty it was a couple of weeks ago, but that was it!
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Ok, I gave it a go. Last Sunday morning I rolled over and cuddled H. Of course he wanted more than a cuddle and that annoyed me (he says all the time that all he needs is a cuddle, yeah right!) but I decided that in order to do something about our SL I would have to just move past the annoyance and try and enjoy it. I really, really tried (and so did he), but I could not get 'fired up'. It really sucked actually, but he was happy. I didn't think of it at the time, but I should have just given him oral or a handy. That way I wouldn't have felt useless.
Oh, he did go fishing after.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Do you like being married to your H except for his annoying HD behavior?
Do you like the idea of marriage in general? Do you feel like you would like to be married to someone, if not your H?
Would you like to be married to a man who did not desire you sexually?
The point that I'm trying to make is that if you want to be married and you want to be married to a man who desires you sexually and you want to be married to a man who is happy then you need to figure out some way to start being sexual. Otherwise you just aren't being rational about achieving your own desires, forget about your husbands.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I know I've had them...but will have to access my archives LOL