Book Club 2

[Harmony]

I've read DB and just got DR and immediately read the chapter on Infidelity. I am still totally confused!

H claims the A is over and that he wants to work on the marriage, yet:

--He still works with OW and refuses to look for a different job. (BTW this is a second job and not his main source of income, plus I have started working part-time to replace that income and have offered to work full-time to replace the insurance benefits that his second job provides.) He also spends recreational time once a week at this place.

--He has stood me up at two counseling appointments with two different therapists. His excuse for the first one was that it was a Christian therapist (we met through a Christian singles group and our shared faith was the foundation of our marriage), though he knew this when I made the appointment. He refused to go to the second (HMO) therapist because "the insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling", even though the intake person said that even though only one of us could be the official patient, we could both attend the sessions and essentially have marriage counseling anyway.

--H gave me Chlamydia as a result of his unprotected sex w/OW, and he refuses to allow me to contact her (because he promised no contact w/her) to notify her that she needs to see a doctor. He threatened to leave again if I pursued contact with her. Claims he "wants the past to stay in the past".

--He never talks about OW, such as whether she tried to talk to him at work or anything like that, and if I refer to the A and its sequelae on me (STD), he gets angry and defensive and punishes me with the cold shoulder for two or three days.

My suspicion is that the A is not over as he claims and that I should cease referring to the A and OW, so my recovery is completely on hold, but I cannot confirm nor disprove my suspicions because of a lack of resources. Going by his behavior, though, he appears to fall into the category of an ongoing A.

How will I know when the A is truly over so that I can do what the earlier part of the Infidelity chapter talks about (ask questions about the A, ask for reassurance, etc.)? Right now, it seems that the only test is to risk mentioning it and getting rejected again.

The chapter basically gives two opposite courses of action for the betrayed spouse, and I'm having a difficult time knowing which approach to take and when. Before reading that chapter, I had just decided to stop bringing it up and do everything his way, but at some point, don't I have to process all the information about the A so I can get beyond it? I have triggers constantly and have been doing my best to deal with them away from H and not let on to him my unbearable suffering. But I just don't think I'll be able to maintain this facade for very long.

Anyway, any insight on when we can actually get into the wound and clean it out would be most welcome. How will he be acting when the A is truly over, and is there any way to test the waters without risking his wrath again?

Harmony