Hey Wintergirl - You know, the best thing about the forums is the opportunity to learn from those who are further along in their journeys. As I have mentioned, I have just started on mine. Your words of wisdom and encouragement are much appreciated.
I still find myself self-flagellating from time to time, even though I feel my heart is also in the right place. Regardless of what my SO chooses to do, I am working on personal growth, and as such, seek to improve my contributions to our marriage. After nearly 20 years of my identity being merged with that of my SO's, it is amazing to me how much of my self I have lost. In a way, this process is so liberating and fulfilling, but is also quite painful and frightening. I agree with you that feeling the efforts are only one-sided accomplishes nothing. In my case, I am also trying to understand what my husband is going through right now. Rather than judging him, I hope to reach a point where I can nuture and support, and that he will allow me back into his life to offer him this. At this point in our individual journeys, though, he sees our marriage and relationship as non-existant. I'm working on trying to remind myself that we are still married for the time being, and this is a place to start.
Your analogy of the chess game is well taken. One lesson I did learn very early on was to stop trying to defend myself (one of the ways I was responding to the negativity). The LRT is allowing me to get centered emotionally and spiritually, as well as (I hope) allowing my SO to focus on something else besides how angry he is with me.
I have found Autumn's posts on the "Hopefulness" threads absolutely wonderful and inspiring. It took me some time to realize that my SO's unhappiness and anger with his life is not necessarily a result of me or our relationship. There was a lot of self-blame and guilt about our separation in the beginning. Now, I am working on shifting my center of wellbeing back to myself, rather than allowing it to originate from my SO and our relationship. I think this will go a long way towards helping me avoid reacting to the negativity, as I will be able to regain some of my own personal and spiritual power.
Still hoping to learn from those further down the road.....
