Hi Michelle - I'm new to this thread. Have been reading DR for about 3 weeks now, trying to implement some of your techniques and now feel it would be helpful to join the forums.
Here's my situation: Husband of 18 years announced in August that our relationship is over, he's leaving. Moved out shortly afterwards. This announcement comes after a year of major life changes for both of us: H turned 40, his mother passed away in the spring, major career changes for both of us. H's behavior during the past year has been strange, and I believe he is the middle of a major midlife crisis. On top of all of this, there is some kind of relationship (perhaps in his own mind, according to friends and therapists) with his new business partner - a younger woman who is married (but in a troubled marriage as well) and has a child. He tells me he wants a divorce (hasn't filed yet, and he is a divorce attorney) and plans to seek a new relationship with the business partner, but he still wants to be "friends" with me. He refuses to go to couples counseling. This is surprising, as he advises all of his clients to try counseling before going through a divorce.
Before reading DR, I was making all the usual mistakes - pursuing, begging him to come home, pushing for counseling. All of this just made him angrier. Once I picked up the book, I immediately started to use the LRT. I stopped calling him and just sort of disappeared. Before long, he began calling, leaving insignificant messages. I won't answer the phone and will not return calls. If there is something important to deal with, I'll email or leave a voice mail on his office phone. At first, I think he was confused by this. He has told a friend that it hurts him that I won't take his calls. There is now some indication that my distancing myself from him is beginning to anger or provoke him.
I'm not sure what to do at this point. He claims that he wants out of our relationship because he feels I have "controlled and manipulated" him all these years. Which, by the way, is what he is saying about friends and colleagues right now, as well. He has never voiced this complaint to me until now. I guess I was trying a 180 by completely backing away and letting him go - giving him the freedom that he is demanding. However, it seems he may now be interpreting this as just another way to manipulate him.
I'm also not sure what to do about the "just friends" arrangement. I also pulled away so that he would experience not having me in his life, as I have no desire to take on the role of "just a buddy" now, or once he divorces me. But according to DR and posts on this site, perhaps continuing to be his best friend keeps a door open. This one is very hard for me, for two reasons - H is very much affected by my presence (even if it is just dropping off mail at this office) and will react to his feelings by lashing out at me; and second, it hurts me to have him treat me as his best buddy while he talks about the new life he is planning.
I think my goal right now is to just stop the momentum that is leading to the divorce. And I believe H's perception of me as being controlling and manipulative is what fuels his anger. I would give anything to get into counseling with him, but he feels that this is just another way to control him, as well.
