You know, if she feels trapped, how about a spontaneous night out? Nothing big...in fact...don't even tell her what you have planned. Have someone come to the house at a certain time to babysit...then, whisk her off to a movie, or coffee and pie, or something that is special? Just don't tell her...grab the car keys after dinner and tell her "Let's go..." Don't make it expensive, just a change of day to day scenery.
Be spontaneous...I know you'll be flying out again, it's just an idea. Little changes of pace can instill some good conversation...
When do you get first light in the morning? It seems that you get dark so early...here in Florida, it gets dark about 5:30 or so. I guess you're used to it.
We went into the 40's at night, last week - that was very cold for us...
Another thing - you said she was unhappy b/c you bought too many groceries? I had to laugh at that one...it seems so trivial...if that is all she complained about...
Yes, I agree with you on waiting for when the M gets back to the full peak before being amorous...you definitely do not want to push her away.
Don't worry about the phone calls or SMS...you really are not sure it's him...even if it is...she lives with you... that's her choice...
Chin up...hopefully we won't hear anymore from tmite... the repulsive one...
Hey LL, I have to tell you that this post form "Jane" is just about as big of a waste of reading as I have done in some time. First things first, the only one who judges your manhood is you. I could give a crap less if you want to plant tulips in your yard while wearing a tutu, if thats what you think you need to do then by all means do your thing.
Now I am obviously not fully aware of everything in your sitch, but I do know that it appears that you are trying to do the right things for you and your W to make your marriage work. That seems to me to be the whole point in being here. 1210 is right on track with her advice to you on being spontaneous with the W. You can throw her a little curveball by doing something off the cuff and surpsing her with a fun night out.
I also agree with you that the "roll in the hay" approach is not the way to go. As 1210 said, that part of your M is not the foundation for what will make your R a long lasting one. Bonding on a different level will lead to the intimacy that you desire when the time is right. For goodness sakes you dont want to take that roll in the hay before she's ready as it would set you back about a mile and a half now wouldnt it. I also think that the need for fighting is more about her telling you to stand up for yourself is all. She's not neccesarily looking for a brow beating here, she's saying don't let me walk all over you, tell me when I'm wrong. That's a pretty good thing for her to want.
Anyway, I mainly popped on because of how pissed old "Jane" got me with that post. Don't let some guy/girl with an obvious Alpha Male complex dictate how you should act or behave. Decide that for yourself based on the kind of man that you want to be. Only you can make those choices and folks here on these boards are supposed to support you in those decisions, not blast you with their own opiniated bullsh^t.
Hang in there LL, keep up the solid work and keep doing what you feel is the right things to do. You have 2 great support people in here looking out for you with 1210 and Whatisis that will definitely help you with the female perspective and sound advice for moving forward.
Wow, it is great to be so validated by you all - the support is wonderful. Your insight on fighting = standing up for myself feels right - I try to disagree humorously now -
It is odd to be home again, for a few days now, nearly every night we spend time together talking. Tonight we watched the first half of "49 up". I don't know if you've seen the earlier ones, but it is the latest installment in a series of films following people's lives every 7 years (so the earlier ones are 7 up, 14 up, 21 up...). The latest one is relevant to our sitch - it interviews people who are now 49 - many have been divorced, or had hard times in their marriages, but a surprisingly large number are somehow satisfied. It was painful to hear of all the divorces and to expose that nerve, but the possiblity of actually finding happiness and the power of sticking through hard times in marriage was good to hear. It was a strange passive discussion between my W and myself of sorts - but a 'date' nonetheless (we must get something more entertaining next time)
Our talks the days before were good too - nothing on 'issues', but about the Christmas party, the kids, films, a little bit about my wife's work, odds and ends of all sorts. Maybe just spending time together is what it is all about?
Anyway, things are not bad now - still no intimacy - but I am somehow moderately contented in spite of it - hope she feels the same -
Friday's date will probably be just a movie and dinner nearby - not the restaurant and hotel in Stockholm - want to keep it light and we have a party for 45 (!) on Sunday evening - lots of cooking and cleaning to do !
Most obliged and grateful to you all -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I'm seeing a change in your attitude. You are starting to feel positive about the things you are doing and to me that is standing up for yourself. We all have self doubt at times and if we can turn the pessimism into optimism things will work out better for us. That's what great about this place. People will tell you what you need to be happy about and others notice the baby steps more I can on my own.
About the intimacy....What is your definition of intamicy? My W thinks it involves sex. But, I disagree. Intamacy is a closeness you feel with someone through many things including sex. I see you as being on the road to that but it will take time.
I'm the farthest thing from a great DB'er and I know that it takes practice and strength. Lots of strength. And by you showing your positive attitude through the boards you are gaining strength.
As far as tmouse goes. You have to take the good with the bad at times. Maybe tmoron was here to teach you that you have to filter through things to get to the good stuff. Just like with your R, you need to weed out all the negativity so you can have a glimpse of the possibility with your W and your R!
Keep on keeping on!!!
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
The movie didn't seem so bad...I'm sure it had some good context.
Things seem to be going pretty good...wow, 45 people to cook for seems like an enormous task - but it sounds like fun. A little while back, you said you didn't like large gatherings - the W was better at it, than you.
Try this, when the people arrive, stay around the ones you feel more comfortable to be around - engage them in some lengthy conversation, that way, you won't have to be going around the circuit so much. You'll feel like you have a solid hold with the guests.
Or, as a college professor told me, when I had to address a senior graduating class at FIU; just think of the crowd without clothes on - then your fear of large crowds ends. It was quite amusing.
Enjoy your party - also Happy Birthday Luke!!! I know you will be leaving before the 4th, so I'll say it now.
My gratitude for your post about tmite...lovely, just lovely. I was hoping one or two of you would see what a louse he is. He told GH to buy his wife breast implants, when it was nothing about that. But, GH gave it to him as well..
Thank you so much...you to CM...the cavalry is here, circle the fort...
As obnoxious as "Jane's" comments were, I think there may have been some valuable meaning lost in it because of it's tone.
Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounded more of a call to arms against being a doormat. That principal applies to Men and Woman. Nobody wants to feel like a doormat.
Also, as far as "being a Man". There are attraction triggers in Woman the same as there are in Men. I can't speak for all Men, but the Feminine qualities of Woman were always the attraction triggers for me. The more feminine, the more attractive they are to me. Demi Moore is a knock out, but let's face it, G.I. Jane wasn't one of her more provocative roles. Same goes for Woman. There are attraction triggers in Man that Woman do admire regardless of them telling you they like the "sensitive, shy, agreeable" Robbie Benson types. I think a good majority of them are still attracted to assertive masculine Men who are not controlling, but willing to take the lead. Willing to stand up and defend if necessary their convictions. It's OK to stick up for yourself and you don't have to be a jerk or confrontational to do it. It may not give you the results your looking for, but at least you can face yourself in the mirror and know you acted out of conviction and respect for yourself.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I understand what you're saying, but apparently how Luke works his M depends on helping his W...he is a Jack Of All Trades...as I said before, this does work for him b/c she is noticing - before he didn't partake in much.
What enraged me, was the fact that Tmite, so crudely posted that his wife was being "banged" and probably has been for a while...LL has no proof it is a PA as opposed to EA, plus the man is in another country...
My H was the opposite, the Macho Man...no W of his would ever plant flowers, or do anything other than be a front piece to accentuate him...peweee!!! If he was more like Luke, I never would have cheated. Everyone pairs up for a reason - opposites attract, etc.
However, Tmite needs to phrase himself with a lot more forethought...less crudeness...but, he doesn't have it in himself to do that.
Quote: However, Tmite needs to phrase himself with a lot more forethought...less crudeness...but, he doesn't have it in himself to do that.
I will agree with that statement 100%. I do however believe he/she/whatever brought up an interesting debate.
You said something interesting that I heard another Woman tell me. I have a good friend who is a Nurse. She was divorced 4 years ago. Her number one complaint was that her H used her to "accentuate him". This occurred around his work associates and friends. She's very attractive, personable, and caring. I'm sure he considered her a possession instead of a partner by her descriptions of their relationship. I know for a fact he's got to be kicking himself for that and if he isn't he should be.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
My H used me in TV commercials for his dealership...oh, look at the blonde getting out of this car, look at her with her tennis outfit and racket standing by that car... it was really something, but I did it.
Before we got M, I had all the sexy lingerie, then after, he wanted me to throw them out - he didn't like me wearing black, or something low cut...I was property.
Thank God, we didn't have children - then he probably would see me as "mom" - asexual, housewife, no gender...oh well. We are D - his Ow is quite plain - maybe that's what he needed - I got over it.
It just amazes me how we all have these expectations of how our S's s/b - we need to let them be whomever "they" choose to be...but we don't.
Hi LL ! 1210 asked me stop by the other day.. I hope you are having a nice day !
Hey Guys ! What gives ? The tmite has like 2 posts or something.. and other issues.
1210, I hope you saved your unmentionables despite XH.. and can find a good future Gardener ! Did you get my emails today ? You are needed elsewhere my friend.
