Wow, I didn't think that this would stir things up so much, but thanks for your thoughts. I did in fact consider "take her for a roll in the hay" as a possible strategy (seems to me that there are at least four - the manly roll in the hay, the confrontation, the be a better me and the do nothing options).
The roll in the hay had a bunch of downsides - high risk (she is avoiding me, after all), possible rape charges (happened to a guy in our town here), etc. Sure, I think it might help - folks are more relaxed after - but it doesn't address the main problem, see more below.
The confrontation also carries a high risk - it might spiral out of control, but maybe also an upside, in that she says we never fight and it would be one. I am keeping it for the last resort. Fighting about other things might be smarter though.
The do nothing goes nowhere - so doesn't fix anything - so forget that.
The be a better me path tries to DB - I just got back from weightlifting (working the (physical at least) strength angle), and now think that aiming to run a marathon might be a good birthday gift to myself, a slap in the face of age (I am turning 49 next Monday). I think that assertiveness training - improved spiritual strength - would be good also, but that is hard to find, and anyway, I had training in it a long time ago.
She told me what she wants a year or two ago - more fighting (code I think for more assertion on my part), more strength, and not to feel trapped in marriage. These are all things I can work on. Surprise and newness are good also - again things I can work on - and with no downsides I can see. I don't wear an apron - .
That said, it is funny coming home, having been gone nearly two weeks. It hurts more to be separated when you are close, to have her say good night to me after half an hour of talking in the evening, to not have any physical contact when she picks me up at the airport, to have her criticize me for having bought too many groceries. A roll in the hay might well take away some of her edginess, but to me, sex comes after affection, after zuneigung (a great German word meaning something like leaning toward, caring about, attraction to) and after better communication and more assertion.
We spent quite a while talking (about Thanksgiving, which I spent at her mom's, about people's Christmas gifts, about the OJ Simpson affair, etc.) yesterday, and I think both enjoyed it. I initiated a lot of this, but she wasn't bugged by it, and on the contrary, hopefully misses friendly gab when I am not there (she still does get phone calls and SMS that she has to do privately, irritating and worrying, but what the hell, I am tougher than that, and she is spending her time with me; remember the other guy lives a whole day's travel away).
Maybe a good way to gauge how things are is does she actively want to spend time with me? Does she initiate conversations beyond merely transactional ones? Also, how will her response be a hopefully possible date on Friday night? Our big party (50-60 people!) is on Sunday evening, so I trust she will have a bit of time for us (I hope so, I likely have to go back to the States next week).
Thanks again for all your thoughts - Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
