Back in USA, from where I have both good and bad things to report this time. I'll start with the good, which came first.
The telegram was a great idea - a surprise delivered by the hotel desk people running after her - and the joke in it ('have a yen to see you' while she was in Japan) she said was the funniest thing of the whole trip. As a result, we had a good conversation on the way home from the airport, not about us at all, but everything else, including the relationship difficulties the girlfriend she went to Japan with is having. (No kiss at the airport, just a quick partial embrace on arrival. Given that the kids weren't with us on the ride, I thought this was pretty good.
Our son had very nicely and without coaching prepared tea when we arrived, which made her feel welcomed. The various changes (her bed freshly sheeted, the scaffolding taken down, the shadow puppets in her office window, this year's last garden flower in her bedroom) were noticed and I think taken positively.
The bad thing was my reaction and her judgement of it to a dinner invitation that we received the next day. We both were tired and didn't want to go. When she received the invitation (on the phone), she said that I, who had to go to their house anyway an hour later for something else, would tell them yes or no. She told me that I should decline politely, that I was sometimes rude, to which I said well "how about sayint that tonight isn't good, as I have to pack"? She said that no, this was rude, and that I should say it another way.
Well I ended up saying that I had to pack and wasn't sure we could come, and would call them in an hour or two. We finally ended up going, with my wife mad at me for not having simply said (her example) "tonight isn't good - I've promised the kids spaghetti and meatballs yesterday".
This whole thing was very frustrating for me - why couldn't I simply be honest and tell them I have to pack? It doesn't come naturally to me to make up things like the spaghetti excuse. Charm, polish and beauty are very important to my W though, who was deeply disappointed. (I started to say that she had put me in this position, she said no, and then I stopped arguing, an unresolved argument; she doesn't avoid conflict and I do).
The result of this was her sitting alone in the living room, staring with sad eyes out the window and then being silent in the car on the way out.
Our relationship feels like I disappoint her again and again, every few months something significantly negative, demonstrates my weakness, and so she pulls away. Examples are that I didn't dare dive off a cliff into a swimming hole (I am scared of water I can't stand in, though I can swim) in 1986, that I won't confront authority unless forced, etc. This as fuel to my wife's judgemental nature (she can be very scornful) sometimes produces incendiary anger on her part.
I left early the next morning, saying goodbye and kissing her cheek (she turned so I couldn't kiss her lips), for USA. Since then she has sent a few shorter emails and one longer one, friendly enough, but without the usual signoff 'love' that generally appears in her first email when I have left.
So what to do? I plan to get some new clothes here and shop for our Christmas party, now scheduled for the day before my birthday. The ice cream in the freezer can be revealed sometime, but I am not sure when. Also, I got a good CD that I can send her an MP3 from ('Blue mountain roots' - the love song 'black is the color of my love's hair' is great). Maybe such a virtual present (we both often say it would good with new music) seems appropriately lightweight.
Do you have ideas how I might break the negative stuff? I think the positive stuff is all doable, but maybe even more important is less negative input. I took assertiveness training a long time ago at college, but maybe the world is simply animal topdoggish? (I like talking to people one on one, but don't like parties, with lots of people around, and instead prefer to play a supporting role to my wife's dominant talker persona).
Good to hear you are doing fine - thanks - a clear day in California -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
