Wow, a bunch more to think about, thank you again.
A couple of thoughts - might the office thing be good because she wants to be proud of our house and in particular, my office (which I used to use as a dumping ground for the kids' stuff before unexpected visitors came over, figuring we needed some such place)? There is a mess of cables for pcs and stuff, which she dislikes, so gotta fix that also.
Way back when, during our courtship, I did a few surprise things - took her biking in Iceland once (she didn't know where we were going until the last minute). Another time I said 'hop in the car, we are going someplace, no questions please'. In back I had hidden fancy clothes, so we could change in the woods before going to a romantic dinner in the country. It was fun to strip to our unders in the woods and have her try on various dresses before a fancy dinner. I thought then that these unexpected things might be a good strategy and give me a leg up on the competition, given that I was/am more of a nerd than a regular guy. We ended up marrying - maybe there was something to these ideas ...
So the things that might change are what we do, how I am, what the house is like? The what we do point is a creative challenge - we need to find unusual things to do locally, so novelty shouldn't be only occasional trips to someplace neat far away? Maybe it is also me doing things without her? I don't have too much of a life - my work colleagues are in the states and I often work evenings (now there is an idea - while the kids are at school, take her to a great lunch in the city, with lots of wine, etc.; if there were 'love hotels' here, like in Japan, we could maybe, just maybe - someday - spend a few hours in one...). That way we don't need a babysitter, which we have hardly ever had (a big mistake I think now, not to have regular time for each other for fun; even though we work at home together quite a bit, it is work and not fun)
The how I am deal is harder - I am not an assertive or competitive or social person by nature (she said "you never fight back", "you never bring new people into our life") - any ideas how to work on that? The complaints do point out the problems...
I ran for the first time in months again today (was so discouraged after our trip to Japan not producing results that I stopped). She ran the Stockholm marathon last year and encouraged me to do so this year - a tall order for a 48 year old who likes the sound of 10Ks much better...
So maybe some surprises first, observing her reactions, then possibly followed a few days later by a plain speech 'I know about your affair' conversation, could be the way to go?
And an upgrade to deluxe calcium PLUS magnesium pills... haha...
Your guys' support is great - is there a way to directly see if you have your own thread going? I'd like to respond to thoughts you post there.
Luke
ps. I will put that my divorced mom's new boyfriend book away. We are reading 'my side of the mountain' instead now, a lot more wholesome.
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
