Throw away the book you found in D's room. It is not appropriate for her to know about a mother's boyfriend.
THROW IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If wife comes home and asks where it is; calmly tell her it wasn't appropriate for D to read, or be read to her.
YOU ARE TOO, TOO, PREOCCUPIED WITH THE W AND OM.
I, TOO, CHEATED ON H....it had nothing to do with love or the sex......I did it b/c what lacked in my M: caring, peace, freedom and trust.
You need to focus on you and change you.......the hints were left for you to find...she needs excitement, mystery intrigue.
You say she needs you to be stronger? Fine, show her by sweeping her off her feet. Clean up the messy office. When she comes home, take her to a nice dinner, wine, candles, etc. Draw her a bubblebath with champagne and glasses nearby with candles in the bathroom.
Why???????Because you are too predictable...show her the loving man you are that she married. Show her she is important to you.......remember, show her.......do not talk about R, the OM, or any other topic she tunes you out with.
I am so sorry to tell you this in the manner that I have... but the OM is not the issue...your quality and way of M is the issue.
Do not confront her about the A. You take care of you... and the OM and A will magically disappear.
Yeah, she is cheating on you...but push her about it - the OM wins......think about it.
She is right. There is nothing that either one of us can do about the OM so there is no reason to worry about him. I have a real hard time accepting that but I know that it is the truth. I know in my personal sitch I have to find my humor and emotion state that is missing in our R to make things work again and to make her fall back "In Love" with me.
I would suggest thinking about the previous post. Anything you say about the OM WILL push her away. I know that from expirience. Find what you are lacking and fix it. she will notice. I have notice that my wife is noticing that I am starting to change and it is really starting to get to her. I get weird looks from her everynow and then mostly the WOW did he really say that. Just find your true self again and leave the OM alone. You know what she has done and it is wrong but you are just as much at fault as she is. Accept that and move on. Talking about it is not good.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Wow - that is the proverbial wrench in the works - thanks for your input - good to hear from a woman also -
So now there are two possible strategies -
1. yours, the surprise her, sweep her off her feet way
and
2. the confront her, confess it all, approach (comes in different flavors).
What do you all think? Might there be a point in trying approach 1 first - her being gone would give me a chance to arrange it (don't know exactly when she is coming back, though). Mind you, after my many business trips, I nearly always bring back some gift, so this needs to be a doozie (spelling?), something different and surprising.
It reminds me of a dominant male CEO friend of ours who, at his wife's 40th birthday, sang a love song to her, in front of us all, pretty cool. Can you think of something else down that line? She once covered our bed, before we were married, in roses, quite a statement.
If approach 1 fails, then maybe approach 2 is called for? In a recent DB counseling session, both were actually suggested, though not the order in which to try them.
As to what you say was missing in your marriage, 'caring, peace, freedom and trust', I think most of them are actually there in ours. I try to show her I care, for example, by giving her a calcium pill to take in the mornings (she is fine boned), by bringing her tea in bed, etc. As for peace, I am not sure she wants that, as she is a volatile person. Maybe she likes peace, but only after a good fight. Freedom is, I hope, something she realizes she has - if she wants/needs to go to Germany or Japan to work, then that is fine; I do the same after all, so it is only fair. As for trust, don't I show her that I trust her by letting her go on these trips?
There was an article in Psychology Today a while ago about how to maintain romance, which said that novelty and humour were the most important factors. The novelty thing I try to do with trips to unusual places (we are slated to travel to Turkey over the kids' fall break; unfortunately she needs to be in Japan then, where I took the family over Easter). Novelty in daily life is a bit harder, as we do have to work...
So what do you think will work with a wife who
o respects strength (previous boyfriends were generally strong in some way) o has been told she is more a man than a woman, with a high testerone level making her a dominant, willing to hang with the guys person, o is a volatile, outspoken person (she is not afraid to offend people) o is a perfectionist (her graphic design work gets complimented on its high quality workmanship) o doesn't believe in marriage on principle, and thinks that variety is important (she's had nearly 20 lovers prior to me) o places a high value on her beauty (her best girlfriend told her via SMS on her birthday, that 'in spite of your age, you are still very beautiful') o places a high value on charm (the love letter ends with 'I dont't wnat really to be told these things about you, I think a good friend anyway senses well enough the other guy's vulnerabilities and is protective. I would be happy if you thought I was a charming, pretty, long-haired woman. Why not, I don't want to put any weight on your shoulders') o is quite a proud person, sometimes even perceived as arrogant o works hard and disdains/is jealous of people who don't or don't need to (though she has saida more than once "I never have a weekend like my friends")
How do you get a relationship with such a person back on track?
The morning's grey overcast is breaking and the streets are drying - Sweden in the fall -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Can not help you on that one. This is where I am in my sitch. I am not talking about the OM at all (Other than on the BB). I have to try and figure out what to do in my own sitch. I think she will get a laugh out of what happened to my hair last night. I let my niece try and put Highlights in it. However she colored the whole top of my head. I was going to shave it last night but I figure I would wait and shave tonight after she say it.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
she sounds like a very strong woman who knows what she wants.
I still think given the info you provided, you need to let her know what you know. maybe you can tell her you want a new relationship with her, and part of that is a 0 tolerance for lies. tell her she can tell you anything as long as it's the truth.. start by letting her know that you know, matter of fact like with no emotion, then see hw she responds. if she contines to hold on to her story, then end the conversation. (Boundary style)!
There isnt a need for a big blow-up. just start the honesty thing at stick to it. everytime you catch her in a lie, just end the conversation. I did this, it drove my wife crazy, but after a few times of me ending a conversation and walking away, she stopped lieing to me. on the flip side, her being honest sometimes was a kick in the jimmy. but I'd rather get kicked by truth than by a lie.
Looks like you have two option to take. This is a choice is one that you will have to make on your own. However make sure you have it all planned out. I had to tell my W that I knew what she was doing and I thought it was wrong. In my sitch I also stated that I love her and that I think that she should be thinking about the kids and the R that we have and work on those. It did not make a bit of difference in my sitch. She still continues to see the OM frequently and after reading the previous post by someone on the other side of the story, it makes sense to me. However I did have to call her out and express my feeling. If you choose that route you should just express your feelings about it and let it sink in for awhile. Do not push her or try to get her to quit. She will have to do that on her own when she is ready. Either way the best route is the one that makes YOU feel better. Think of yourself through this whole thing because you will have to live with any descision that you make let it be right or wrong. Trust me you WILL F up several times. I know I have. Good luck with your Sitch.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Wow, do I know about the hardworking, perfectionist who demands everybody else keep up the pace or move out of the way (but then complains endlessly about all the work she has and how she never gets a break)! That's my W. Once that kind is in full flight, there's no taking them down!
So, I've got no advice on that one. My W is still in full flight, the more fixated she is on work the less she has to think about her life and R's. Sounds truly healthy doesn't it? In your sitch, I truly wonder about the wisdom of confronting her right now. Obviously the A means that something is missing in your M. Can you try some DB stuff to make some impact? All this nonsense about needing a strong man is crap. She married you probably to offset her own aggressive tendencies. When the A starts or she's unhappy with the M suddenly she says "I need someome stronger" How come before it didn't matter? If you choose not to confront right away, think about what things would make her feel special (I know it's hard to beat that Calcium pill thing you do, but try ) Again, I'm not in your shoes and don't know how I'd react but ultimatums are very cut and dried "Do what I want or it's over". You can confront her anytime and lay down an ultimatum, why not try other things first? Just my 2 cents on the subject.
P.S> Just one further thought. Cleaning your office is a great idea because she's been nagging you about it. When they nag we tend to resist but often those "nagging" things are good clues to what they want in the R. Are there other things she's "nagged"you to do that you could do? Mine was always on my back to lose weight and it pissed me off, now I realize if I had of done it she might have felt I cared about our R. She felt she was "nagging" because she cared, I missed that part by being so annoyed. My lack of response was "I don't need your caring" so, I guess, she found someone who did! By the way, I finally did lose the weight...too late though! Hope this helps a little. Hey, really blow her mind and put up "Welcome home" banners and balloons, streamers etc. She'll probably faint
1. Do surprise her when she comes home; try to find out when she will return. 2. Nothing materialistic, it has to be a surprise from the heart. If she put flower petals on the bed before you got married, then try something similiar. Graphic artists are creative people (duh!!) - so you need to do something that will absolutely floor her. 3. Use candles, scents, mood lighting anything different you think would surprise her. 4. Cook dinner one night, have one of her friends get her out of the house - so you can do all this...
She is not ready for boundries yet...she's not at her 100% level yet (full M focus). Boundries, cut freedom.
You say you "let her" go on business trips? Isn't that her job to go? And you let her go? WOW NELLY...that is really a control tactic...WARNING...WARNING...WARNING. You are trying to own her...she's not property. She's human. Please give her some space...
You see, being strong is of character...not macho. She is creative, strong, bold and unafraid it seems. You sound like she needs to be roped and tied. She has made a mistake and she knows it...but she is waiting to see what you are going to do to change.
"NO CHANGE...EVERYTHING REMAINS THE SAME..."
Do NOT, do NOT bring up the A. She left you the clues, she knows you know...now - what are you going to do about it... C.. H..A..N..G..E..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She needs this...and don't go overboard....she'll she that you are desparate.
Sorry, but I cannot stress enough how "unimportant" the OM or in the other cases the OW is. To you it is so devastating, to us only an outlet due to unhappiness.
Give her space, and keep your faith...this is a wake-up call from God. Change must happen...now...in you.
If you give W an ultimatium while the M is shaky; you are pushing her away...she will go. TRUST ME...ACTION CAUSES REACTION...IT COULD BE GOOD OR IT COULD BE BAD..... YOUR CHOICE. Take the upper road...
Sorry, this is just my 2 cents... Good luck!!!!!!!
Wow, a bunch more to think about, thank you again.
A couple of thoughts - might the office thing be good because she wants to be proud of our house and in particular, my office (which I used to use as a dumping ground for the kids' stuff before unexpected visitors came over, figuring we needed some such place)? There is a mess of cables for pcs and stuff, which she dislikes, so gotta fix that also.
Way back when, during our courtship, I did a few surprise things - took her biking in Iceland once (she didn't know where we were going until the last minute). Another time I said 'hop in the car, we are going someplace, no questions please'. In back I had hidden fancy clothes, so we could change in the woods before going to a romantic dinner in the country. It was fun to strip to our unders in the woods and have her try on various dresses before a fancy dinner. I thought then that these unexpected things might be a good strategy and give me a leg up on the competition, given that I was/am more of a nerd than a regular guy. We ended up marrying - maybe there was something to these ideas ...
So the things that might change are what we do, how I am, what the house is like? The what we do point is a creative challenge - we need to find unusual things to do locally, so novelty shouldn't be only occasional trips to someplace neat far away? Maybe it is also me doing things without her? I don't have too much of a life - my work colleagues are in the states and I often work evenings (now there is an idea - while the kids are at school, take her to a great lunch in the city, with lots of wine, etc.; if there were 'love hotels' here, like in Japan, we could maybe, just maybe - someday - spend a few hours in one...). That way we don't need a babysitter, which we have hardly ever had (a big mistake I think now, not to have regular time for each other for fun; even though we work at home together quite a bit, it is work and not fun)
The how I am deal is harder - I am not an assertive or competitive or social person by nature (she said "you never fight back", "you never bring new people into our life") - any ideas how to work on that? The complaints do point out the problems...
I ran for the first time in months again today (was so discouraged after our trip to Japan not producing results that I stopped). She ran the Stockholm marathon last year and encouraged me to do so this year - a tall order for a 48 year old who likes the sound of 10Ks much better...
So maybe some surprises first, observing her reactions, then possibly followed a few days later by a plain speech 'I know about your affair' conversation, could be the way to go?
And an upgrade to deluxe calcium PLUS magnesium pills... haha...
Your guys' support is great - is there a way to directly see if you have your own thread going? I'd like to respond to thoughts you post there.
Luke
ps. I will put that my divorced mom's new boyfriend book away. We are reading 'my side of the mountain' instead now, a lot more wholesome.
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
You seem so hellbent on letting her know you know about the A...b/c you need that for your sanity...I know. But she knows that you know...she did it with the clues.
DO NOT TALK TO HER ABOUT IT......YOU SAY SHE IS VIOLENT IN ARGUMENTS....BRING IT UP....YOU'LL GET IT.....
The things you did before the M sound great you sounded very creative back then...do it again.
Go to a hardware or computer store and get those plastic coils to clean up and hide the computer wires. Put some silk flowers on your newly cleaned office.
Plan a surprise picnic, blind fold her and take her to the country.
(((((HUGS)))) For putting away the book......you are doing great!!!!!!!! Just keep moving, don't stop...don't think...just do it.
Trust me, you can change this sitch...I know you can... she will turn around.
) Again, I'm not in your shoes and don't know how I'd react but ultimatums are very cut and dried "Do what I want or it's over". You can confront her anytime and lay down an ultimatum, why not try other things first? Just my 2 cents on the subject.
