Wow - that is the proverbial wrench in the works - thanks for your input - good to hear from a woman also -
So now there are two possible strategies -
1. yours, the surprise her, sweep her off her feet way
and
2. the confront her, confess it all, approach (comes in different flavors).
What do you all think? Might there be a point in trying approach 1 first - her being gone would give me a chance to arrange it (don't know exactly when she is coming back, though). Mind you, after my many business trips, I nearly always bring back some gift, so this needs to be a doozie (spelling?), something different and surprising.
It reminds me of a dominant male CEO friend of ours who, at his wife's 40th birthday, sang a love song to her, in front of us all, pretty cool. Can you think of something else down that line? She once covered our bed, before we were married, in roses, quite a statement.
If approach 1 fails, then maybe approach 2 is called for? In a recent DB counseling session, both were actually suggested, though not the order in which to try them.
As to what you say was missing in your marriage, 'caring, peace, freedom and trust', I think most of them are actually there in ours. I try to show her I care, for example, by giving her a calcium pill to take in the mornings (she is fine boned), by bringing her tea in bed, etc. As for peace, I am not sure she wants that, as she is a volatile person. Maybe she likes peace, but only after a good fight. Freedom is, I hope, something she realizes she has - if she wants/needs to go to Germany or Japan to work, then that is fine; I do the same after all, so it is only fair. As for trust, don't I show her that I trust her by letting her go on these trips?
There was an article in Psychology Today a while ago about how to maintain romance, which said that novelty and humour were the most important factors. The novelty thing I try to do with trips to unusual places (we are slated to travel to Turkey over the kids' fall break; unfortunately she needs to be in Japan then, where I took the family over Easter). Novelty in daily life is a bit harder, as we do have to work...
So what do you think will work with a wife who
o respects strength (previous boyfriends were generally strong in some way) o has been told she is more a man than a woman, with a high testerone level making her a dominant, willing to hang with the guys person, o is a volatile, outspoken person (she is not afraid to offend people) o is a perfectionist (her graphic design work gets complimented on its high quality workmanship) o doesn't believe in marriage on principle, and thinks that variety is important (she's had nearly 20 lovers prior to me) o places a high value on her beauty (her best girlfriend told her via SMS on her birthday, that 'in spite of your age, you are still very beautiful') o places a high value on charm (the love letter ends with 'I dont't wnat really to be told these things about you, I think a good friend anyway senses well enough the other guy's vulnerabilities and is protective. I would be happy if you thought I was a charming, pretty, long-haired woman. Why not, I don't want to put any weight on your shoulders') o is quite a proud person, sometimes even perceived as arrogant o works hard and disdains/is jealous of people who don't or don't need to (though she has saida more than once "I never have a weekend like my friends")
How do you get a relationship with such a person back on track?
The morning's grey overcast is breaking and the streets are drying - Sweden in the fall -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
