Thanks for your suggestions. Yeah, ultimatums do have an awful win or lose character about them, but I think that Astimegoeson is right, in that if strength is what she wants, then a straight out telling her the limits of what I will accept is good, strong medicine. I think/hope the ultimatum character of the oonfrontation can be avoided by saying 'you should think carefully about this' and not 'you must choose'. I would also like to rather see this as more of a door to dialog and improved (any) intimacy, then as a make or break it deal.
I also think that after 2-1/2 years of no sex and very little physical contact (just one year of abandonment is sufficient grounds for a divorce in NY state) then this tactic probably isn't too early and maybe exactly what is needed to get things opening up, even if the outcome is negative. Perhaps she even wants it, and the note was intended to be found and the book intended to be read.
I also hope that the carrot/stick approach (carrot = I finally get my act together and really clean my office, which she often complains about, plus I've just started weightlifting again, reforming my sedentary body; stick = the confrontation) will be more successful than a straightforward, head-on attack. I also believe that there is at least some future, as she talks about the various parties we will have until Christmas and what she'll plant next year in the garden.
The ultimatum doesn't need to be delivered in anger (though this would be awful easy) - rather it could be a plain vanilla statement of what is okay, by my rules, and what is not. I am not clear though, on what actions I should take after - do we stop talking? do I ask her to eat dinner separately?
She said that 1) she felt trapped in our marriage (so I let her go to Germany, even encourage it and got her an airline ticket to Japan, where she will be working next month) 2) that I was not strong enough, in particular in character (the confrontation will hopefully help here) and that 3) she wanted to finish fixing up our house, get a regular job and get out. I am trying to help her with the house and the job; it would feel like too much of a dishrag to help her with moving.
I think there is always virtue in trying something new if the old stuff doesn't work, even though [censored] says you should agree with whatever your spouse says or does, and smile. If she doesn't respect me, then maybe this is a way.
Windless night in Sweden - streetlights shining on the water -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
