It was great to hear from you, thank you kindly. It was also great that you all agreed, as it removed my uncertainty about what to do (nothing like a clear decision...).
My wife left for Germany just a bit ago and so I have time to put a plan into action. She often complains about how messy my office is (we both mostly work at home, apart from occasional foreign trips), so I'll give it a deep makeover and 'happen to find' the note in doing so.
Is there something more to be said after that I am not okay with her having an affair? Or do I simply say she needs to figure things out, and leave it open ended?
ford, I completely agree that setting this boundary will show a stronger me, thanks for making that clear. A friend of mine, who has also had a pile of marital troubles, but is now back together with his wife, says they often fight now but the marriage is actually better (he doesn't understand why she needs to fight, but that is another question). We hardly ever fought - I am not wound that way - but maybe should? Maybe fighting is setting or at least stating boundaries and leads to respect?
EvolvingMe, you ask a good question about what else is wrong in our marriage. Perhaps it is exactly this not fighting - if my wife needs to feel emotions, then my low key, Gandhi type conflict avoiding approach may be fundamentally unsatisfying to her. She is a freelance graphic designer, impulsive, easily angered, has a thrill seeking personality, and maybe needs this pushback? I am a rational engineer, basically reliable, boring? Even though we go on family trips to interesting places together (Japan last Easter)?
Astimegoeson, thank you for pointing out how to confront her and for the words 'not willing to be second best to any man'. I feel so emotional about this that your turn of phrase is very helpful.
She is gone for at least 5 days now - confrontation next week - will keep you posted -
Thanks again,
LuckyLuke
ps. is there anything you guys want my 1 or 2 cents on, for whatever they are worth?
pps. what should I do about the kids' book given to my daughter (which is about a girl learning to accept a boyfriend for her newly divorced mother)? It seems unfair that I, who do not want or believe in divorce, should be reading this to her (and my 8 year old daughter thinks family is very important).
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
