I'd greatly appreciate any thoughts you have on our situation. I will try to keep my story as brief as possible.
Married for over 5 years; together for almost 10 years. Husband works away from home a lot (2 months at a time with a month home); I work full-time; no kids. We were planning to build a house this year. The separations were tough at times, but I was OK with it because he was doing something he enjoyed. He was stressed for several months about losing his job but didn't tell me. He blew up unexpectedly and dropped 'the bomb' in November over the phone during a discussion that apparently he didn't want to have about a job change he was considering.
Since then he has blown off his family and friends - very rarely talked with his dad but that has stopped too. Our family was as shocked as I was about all of this.
He has someone else handling his bills because he's away and had his address changed to their address. He very rarely has sent any money but has when I've asked.
We have no separation agreement or divorce papers. He offered to let me keep everything we own, but I said politely said no and that he would need to move his things on his own - he hasn't moved anything out of our apartment since this started. I had started DBing by this point, by the way.
I am confident that he is not seeing anyone else. He's been spending a lot of money over the past few months, and has been drinking a lot. He basically stays away from people who might confront his behavior.
I started DBing in January - I've read both Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy several times. That DID help put a halt to or at least stall divorce discussions because I changed how I reacted to him.
I haven't seen him now since mid-March - for about an hour - things went better during that visit than in the past. I've only seen him now in person about 3-4 times since January.
I haven't talked with him since mid-May. I never hear from H unless I leave him a voice mail specifically ask him to call me back. He never calls me on his own.
I worry that he is going to continue this behavior for a very long time - he might be one who never comes out of it. He has some communication problems and some past emotional troubles that might make it harder for him to recover.
I've never really been able to figure out whether I was the pursuer in our relationship, so I'm not sure if my 'going dark' is the right thing to do. I haven't tried to contact him in any way since mid-May or early June.
Two family members tried contacting him a few times last week and he never returned their calls.
Because I never see him or speak with him, I'm not sure if what I've been doing is helping matters or not.
I sent him a birthday card and left him a voice mail, but he ignored my birthday. He hasn't acknowledged any special days for his dad or step-mom either.
Prior to this situation, we were best friends and even agreed that we had a really good marriage. Over the past year or so, we had some added stress and started fighting a bit, but I never would have thought a divorce could come of it. The problems just weren't that serious. I've considered that his job stress may have made him question a lot in his life and his reaction was to run away. In fact, I think that some of the stress leading to this was due to his somewhat odd behavior - which I now believe was job stress - and my poor reaction to his behavior changes.
Three short questions:
1. How can I determine whether I've been the pursuer or not? I understand that what matters is HIS perception of that anyway.
2. Do you see any hope for this situation?
3. Any advice for those trying to DB when there is virtually no contact with your spouse?
Thank you in advance, Michelle. I know that you're very busy, but we had a rather unique relationship to begin with and it might take some unique actions.
