Quote: I am trying to get as much mileage out of BB wanting to attend this particular church and her saying how much she likes going there.
Oh yeah... I forgot about this part. I think I said when you first mentioned this guy that I thought he didn't sound too promising.
Gee, Lou, my fantasy for you is to get up one morning, leave BB a note, the checkbook, permission for her to file for divorce if she wants to, and for you to get a ONE-WAY ticket on a tramp steamer (do they still have those things...? Probably not... okay, you can take a regular ship) and sail to Europe, kind of like the guy in The Razor's Edge.
With your mechanical/technical knowledge, your cooking ability, your infinite patience, your kindness, and frankly, your looks (I did see your pic), you would be fighting off women with a stick! I'm absolutely positive of that!
The day-in-day-out grinding... I can't even think of the right word... monotony, routine, drudgery, despondency of your relationship with BB-- not your entire life, but specifically your life with BB-- is so discouraging. What do you have to look forward to? More of the same more of the same more of the same until one of you... you know. Geez... not much of an advertisement for getting older...
How many good years do you suppose you have left, Lou? 20? 25? You can have a lot of sex in 25 years if the other person is interested.
Okay, you don't have to leave forever... but what if you take off for a year or two? Just have an adventure. Maybe BB will be so mad she won't let you come back. Have some FUN before you're *70*!!
Quote: Gee, Lou, my fantasy for you is to get up one morning, leave BB a note, the checkbook, permission for her to file for divorce if she wants to, and for you to get a ONE-WAY ticket on a tramp steamer
Wow Lil? That sounds a little drastic if I take it one way. If I look at the statement another way, it sounds like you are on my cheering team. A third way for me to look at that statement is "Lou you complain too much and don't post enough good things about BB.
Thanks for the Links. I will admit to wanting to go somewhere to promote the English language, explain American values, and help people with their everyday problems.
Some how I didn't understand diagramming sentences, and some of the other terms like participles. I got the adjectives, nouns, and verbs down pat but can see where I might not be all that helpful.
OTH, it sure would be nice to be the student and learn what other people do and what interests them. There is a big world out there. Nature or city, it's almost all interesting.
Lil, sometimes my nuance meter can't decide what it is seeing/hearing. I get the general opinion you see "What do you have to look forward to?"
Quote: The day-in-day-out grinding... I can't even think of the right word... monotony, routine, drudgery, despondency of your relationship with BB-- not your entire life, but specifically your life with BB-- is so discouraging
Try obligation, me fixing myself when I can. Me learning to avoid destructive behaviors. Me learning to give up one purpose in life (work) and finding another purpose and different goals. Me learning to stand up for what I believe without trampling on BB.
Quote: but what if you take off for a year or two?
Anything more than a month, I don't know if I would want to come back or know of a way to avoid the guilt of feeling like I abandoned her.
Setting the stage: I am slowly throwing out more junk, old inventory, finding a home for good used furniture, so that front is slowly improving.
We did our normal shopping at Costco and BB saw a generator that would power the whole house, when the power goes off. The power went off for 24 hours once in 34 years, for 8 hours a couple of times in 34 years, and for just a couple of hours maybe once or twice a year since we lived here.
BB's position/thoughts/concerns: BB watches a lot of news and gets the feeling we will become like NYC or LA areas where there are rolling black outs or prolonged power outages due to storms. BB doesn't like to be inconvenienced and frequently sees/imagines herself in bad situations.
Lou's position/thoughts/concerns: I watch the news and look at the differences between our area and those areas that have power problems. I don't think our areas will be subject to rolling blackouts, storms do hit the area but not that often. We have very little snow compared to the north east states.
(folks, think "dry" and sometimes very cold when you think about eastern Montana. The west part of the state has a different precipitation pattern and is warmer)
I don't see being without electricity that big a problem. We have back-up heat, several battery powered lights that run for 2 to 4 hours, and only live 2 miles from a main trunk line that is almost never shut down. There are stores and food places galore along this trunk line.
So why do I write about this latest want of BB's.
I said no to the whole house, back-up diesel generator purchase. Not to get my way or be in charge. but because it was another of BB's wants from a long list that gets brought up frequently. I start making some improvements or buy sometime we/BB wants and the next item on the "I want list" is put on the "can we buy it treadmill."
BTW we already have a small generator that will run the basics in the house, one item and a couple of lights, at a time.
I am still sleeping (3 weeks?)in the spare bedroom. BB said she wants me back in her room but listed conditions. I said I wanted us to sleep in the same room but felt like the conditions were me accepting crumbs.
I have been reading Schnarch's advice, "Accept crumbs=nothing changes" and have felt that I need to act bolder for what I want.
Quote: not much of an advertisement for getting older...
Lil, when some things don't work due to many things and aging, maybe getting older isn't a good advertisement for/to the young.
Some of the aging stuff I can cope with, adjust to. BB has her opinions that differ from mine, hence some of the conflicts. What to do??? What might work??? What is a waist of time???
Quote: With your mechanical/technical knowledge, your cooking ability, your infinite patience, your kindness, and frankly, your looks (I did see your pic), you would be fighting off women with a stick! I'm absolutely positive of that!
Well, thanks for the compliments Lil. I really mean that.
From where I sit, yes I have those good points, traits, etc. I am concerned with what I don't have. Some conversation and being able to use male/female polarity skills effectively. I have done a ton of mechanical/technical AOS for many people. I get thanks, at-a-boys, what I don't seem to get from females is long term appreciation. Maybe I am around the wrong crowd or maybe I am not reading my nuance meter correctly. Also, maybe I need to go on a program like "Wife Swap" Where people finally see what they are doing right or wrong.
Often I wonder if my financial conservative thoughts about things and money conflict with other peoples beliefs that better, faster, nicer is the way to go, just finance what you want, pay for it later.
As far as looks, I see that to be an advantage for others but don't rely on looks for myself, for many things. Looks work for short-term impressions. I want long-term actions to work for everyone involved.
Jenny and others posted, don't talk about or have a boundary you won't or can't enforce. That is where I am today. I am tightening up on some things I can and should work on.
Quote: I think a large part of the reason that BB engages Lou in this way is because she is seeking some sort of emotional reaction/connection/validation of value.
I have to agree BF.
Quote: I hear independent speech coming out of her mouth, and see picky attitude,
Right again BF. Statements like "a man need to prove himself before any women should trust him" is a constant theme of BB's.
Quote: ' Missed me didn't ya.'
I did this in my own way. At one time i thought she would have taken it negatively, but she didn't. I also said "doesn't it feel good to have someone that loves you, even when you are a PIA" in a playful way.
Quote: picky attitude, but I see a very unsure, and insecure lady.
BB talked a little about feeling short-changed in life at the MC session.
Quote: Lil said Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gee, Lou, my fantasy for you is to get up one morning, leave BB a note, the checkbook, permission for her to file for divorce if she wants to, and for you to get a ONE-WAY ticket on a tramp steamer
Wow Lil? That sounds a little drastic if I take it one way. If I look at the statement another way, it sounds like you are on my cheering team. A third way for me to look at that statement is "Lou you complain too much and don't post enough good things about BB.
For the life of me, I can't figure out how you got: "A third way for me to look at that statement is "Lou you complain too much and don't post enough good things about BB." out of what I said. How did you turn my fantasy that you run away into a reproach concerning the content of your posts?
All I meant was that I have this fantasy for you that you simply stop going down that cheeseless tunnel, chipping away at the mountain of BB's little complaints, and just break out! Run for the hills! Let her manage on her own! Leave the sinking ship and save yourself. It looks like you are drowning in a sea of nit-picky minutia. As you and blackfoot pointed out to me, no matter what you fix, she'll find something else to gripe about. She is NOT going to get to the level of sexual interest that you want-- I think that's pretty clear. Your choice seems to be to make the most of it and manage somehow UNTIL YOU DIE.
It's just a fantasy... I want you to have some fun before you become an old man. I'm not just complimenting you-- I'm asking you to take a look at yourself realistically and your life realistically and ask yourself: is this how I want to spend the next 20 to 25 years...?
I know, I know... I'm just ranting... but sometimes your sitch (what I know of it from this board) makes me nutsier than any other sitch here (except possibly hairdog's).
Quote: We did our normal shopping at Costco and BB saw a generator that would power the whole house, when the power goes off. The power went off for 24 hours once in 34 years, for 8 hours a couple of times in 34 years, and for just a couple of hours maybe once or twice a year since we lived here.
rofl...untill last year, that report sounded like our once a year! I was so anoyed that companies didn't put 9 volt battery back ups in the appliances just to keep the clock and settings in all the appliances current! We regularly shop for battery operated alarm clocks, lamp oil and flashlights. We have a generator, enough to power the fridge, furnace, freezer and one "house circuit" (puters and phones) The other year when pressed to fire it up and see, we found out that the carburator had been "shellacked" and requierd replacement. The darn unit doesn't have 5 hrs on it. (The smaller one in the van/home works great! I imagine an extention cord to something some time in the future.
PS. The propane stove has saved out butts on more than one occaision. Let's here it for the old drip coffee pot. BUT the well is a _#(_@#($(# (<---translates to forget it when the power is out)
Oh and where is the link to your pix?
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Lil, I feel much the same about Lou's situation as you do. I've learned that some people will not be happy "no matter what." I see BB as one of those.
Lou, You've been so patient and worked so hard to make things work with BB. I'm curious, where is your "I'm outta here" line in the sand?
Also, you truly do underestimate yourself in so many ways. You're intelligent, well read, funny, patient and on and on.......Why don't you give yourself more credit?
BTW, I can't take on another BF at this time. Thanks for the congrats on my upcoming retirement. Only 16 more working days!!!!
Quote: How did you turn my fantasy that you run away into a reproach concerning the content of your posts?
Because I post problems and maybe I should have posted more about good interactions. I can see this latest rounds of things not improving much, makes what happens feel like the R is really messed up but yet it wouldn't take much to improve things so we both were more at peace.
Several months ago, I bought the "Keep Love Alive" (KLA) CD from Divorce Busters. Michelle speaks on the CD's and advises to look for the good in a R, focus on what you want, ignore most of what isn't working. that could have influenced me to write the third option.
Quote: All I meant was that I have this fantasy for you that you simply stop going down that cheeseless tunnel, chipping away at the mountain of BB's little complaints,
That is a good fantasy Lil.
Quote: Let her manage on her own! Leave the sinking ship and save yourself.
I did tell her if she wanted to buy that patio home she wants, I would install the diesel generator before I went on a long vacation. I wasn't proud I said it but was proud I didn't worry too much about jumping in to the ring yesterday at Costco and buy the generator.
Quote: It looks like you are drowning in a sea of nit-picky minutia
It feels that way many times. Then I think, about not buying into nit-pick games.
What I see, is years of me doing things BB's way to avoid conflict and be the household leader w/o being domineering in a mean spirited or selfish way. Now I have to reverse a trend I was caught up in for many years. I can imagine BB doesn't like some of changes. I still think she is in withdraw a little from her shopping addiction days.
Quote: She is NOT going to get to the level of sexual interest that you want-- I think that's pretty clear.
I have come to that conclusion too. That is hard to take some times. Add on to that, sometimes I know what I know is sexual pleasure to me, is sexual aversion to BB. It is difficult to be sexual with someone you don't want to hurt or impose upon.
Quote: I'm not just complimenting you-- I'm asking you to take a look at yourself realistically and your life realistically and ask yourself: is this how I want to spend the next 20 to 25 years...?
I still have work to do on me, on the R, and on the house, before I look too far in the future. I am not discounting any ideas or wishes you have.
One of my car sold today for $1,500, so that is one less sore spot to have come up between us.
Same here. 110 volt in the house but the pump in the well is 220 volt. Usually when the power goes off, ther is melt water comming off the roof that we use to flush the toilet. We stock drinking water. I drain the hot water tank for washing our face and hands.
Quote: he other year when pressed to fire it up and see, we found out that the carburetor had been "shellacked" and required replacement.
LG, you have to store the generators dry/no gas in the tank. Only put gas in then when you run them. Drain the gas when not in use. There are some fuel stabilizers. I don't know how well they work.
usually a "shellacked" carburetor can be cleaned and re-used.
Quote: Oh and where is the link to your pix?
I could find it I suppose. I don't know off hand. I could look.
Quote: I'm curious, where is your "I'm outta here" line in the sand?
When I think "I" am fixed and wouldn't get in another R and do the same things, or do things the other P would find offensive/not attractive. Of course there is always being single.
Quote: Also, you truly do underestimate yourself in so many ways. You're intelligent, well read, funny, patient and on and on.......Why don't you give yourself more credit?
Jill, I don't have many places to practice my skills in many long term social situations. I can and do talk to anyone at the gas pumps, hardware store, in the check out line at Wal-Mart, etc. I Handel those situations well. In the few things I do alone, w/o BB I have no problem.
Quote: BTW, I can't take on another BF at this time.
It was good to read you have two that are treating you well and that you like, with your biggest problem being which one to decide is the the one. I just thought I would tease you a little by saying I was out of the picture.
I have been following your quandaries about, do you like a certain guy for a long term R, or is he just going to be a short term friend.
How did you turn my fantasy that you run away into a reproach concerning the content of your posts? 
