Quote: If BB sees that as controlling, sorry. If she sees it as someone she can depend on, good.
Oh yes. The only thing you can do is to make sure that your actions match the intent and however BB wants to interpret is up to her. Good observation.
Quote: Anyway, the H's seem so much more selfish than Mr.W or it could be the women are hurting so much, that is why they bash their X's. You both have much more class than many D couples.
Wow, I take that as a sincere compliment and I thank you for it. Lou, I'm ashamed to admit that my initial urge when he left was to bash the living daylights out of him. But I quickly realized if my intent was truly to reconcile, it would do me grave harm to head down that path. I chose the harder path, but I'm much, MUCH happier for it. I also knew that if I wanted D12 to come out of this in a better spot, I'd better show her how to behave when someone hurts us. D9 also took some maneuvering--she regressed in her toileting back then and I had to do some reassuring to her as well that I would do everything I could possibly do to make it possible for her dad to come home. She still misses him greatly--for that little girl holds no grudges and is ecstatic when she sees her dad.
Mr. W. actually has some very strong selfish tendencies. I think the reason he doesn't act on them most of the time is because he looks over at us and sees our struggles. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body normally, so he will go out of his way to meet me to make sure that the girls and I aren't hurting any more than we already have. Well, to a point. I figured out early on that I'd rather have him in my corner than make an enemy, so that's why we can do what we do. Sometimes it's hard, though.
Quote: Mr. W seems to have had an interesting mix of GF's, much more intellectual than I thought when compared to the little I read about his family of origin.
I had to think about your perception for a minute and then I got it. He and his brother are the most educated on either side of the family. Though neither of his parents held a degree, they were both hard working and placed a high value on education and intellectual pursuits. His dad is a full-blooded Norwegian, and the Scandinavian work ethic flows strong in his blood. Mr. W. and his brother are extremely intelligent. Neither one of them plays up to that--they come from very humble roots. He was pretty much a geek all the way through high school. I got the feeling while reading his yearbooks that half his class wouldn't have passed math without his tutoring. My D12 and I had a good chuckle over the possible image of him being everyone elses godsend. He finished his degree in electrical engineering in 3 years. His former boss told me long ago that he was the smartest, most logical and personable engineer who ever worked for him. As someone who had to monitor reports and turn them into the government, I can also tell you that he writes well (and I can't say that about most engineers).
Like him, I was also a book worm. We shared our outcast past and our desire to overcome geeky images by developing our sense of humor. I honestly can't see him with anyone who can't speak intelligently on a variety of subjects. He's not particularly attracted to ditzy people (which is why his previous GF surprised me).
OTOH, I dated my fair share of dumbasses who could barely put coherent sentences together. They were fun. And I used that presentation to help others overcome their perception of me being a brainy bookworm. My father was eternally grateful the day Mr. Wonderful crossed his threshold. He was desperately fearful that I would marry one of those felons.
Quote: Betsey, my radar said BS, He knew it was that long didn't he. Is he playing "guys are tough, we men don't need those warm fuzzies, those sentimental events?"
Wow, I'm going to consider your comment seriously. I'm sure he remembers that it's been so long since he left, but I'm not so sure he actually allows himself to acknowledge specifics--particularly if they hurt. But you may be dead on right. Thanks.
I love Costco pies! I'll make him bring more than that too. My XH is a fabulous cook. It may be what I miss about him the most! Now, to be fair, he also tells my D12 that he really misses my cooking too. So when I send him home with leftovers that I no longer want, he's VERY appreciative. He had dinner with my parents this past Sunday when he was in DC. Apparently, they've given each other new names... what used to be daddy-in-law and sonny-in-law are now daddy-outlaw and sonny-outlaw. They both seem pretty pleased with their humor. Anyway, my parents told me that it was really wonderful to have some time with him--and he told me that he felt the same way. My best friend came over for awhile too. I can only think that all the love he gets from them hurts in a nice way. It must be hard.
Quote: If you do part and he contributes I see it as you both being partners in the event.
Sigh. Yes. That is true.
Quote: It used to really bother me, the critical stuff, now I ask like I am dissecting a science project, and taking it less personal. I still have eye-roll moments at times.
Lou, I see bits and pieces of BB in my mom and vice versa. And I'm sure if I met BB in church or through some other community activity, I'd like her. She sounds like a person who has no idea how much fear she's dragging around. All that rejection, negating, criticism, stinking thinking tells me that her self chatter is equally deriding. You're probably right that she won't be changing unless it's her idea. I know that possibility pleases you none... (((((Lou)))))
The only thing you can do is to change yourself, and I think you're doing a marvelous job. The fact that you find it worthwhile speaks volumes about you, Lou. You've got a big heart. And BTW, I don't know if I commented, but your wedding pictures warmed my heart. You look like a really kind man. BB and your daughter are gorgeous.
At the end of every day, I ask God to change what's in my heart. It seems to be the only way I let go of my own stubborn thoughts. God works miracles, but only if I invite Him to do so. I've not been so good about that in the past, so I'm committed to doing better in the future.
It's good that you're detaching from her behavior. The more I travel this road, the more I'm convinced that little in life has to do with me.
I'll probably be back, but since it's supposed to start snowing after lunch, I'm going to get some work done in case I need to leave early. I had to crate the dog, and I'm feeling guilty about the long day. The girls and I are on fall break next week, so I've got to make sure I'm completely caught up before I walk out of here today. We'll see how I fare. In the meantime, I hope you have a fabulous Friday, Lou.
Hugs,
Betsey
p.s. How far are you from Bozeman?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
My D12 and I had a good chuckle over the possible image of him being everyone elses godsend. He finished his degree in electrical engineering in 3 years. His former boss told me long ago that he was the smartest, most logical and personable engineer who ever worked for him. As someone who had to monitor reports and turn them into the government, I can also tell you that he writes well (and I can't say that about most engineers).
Now, to be fair, he also tells my D12 that he really misses my cooking too. So when I send him home with leftovers that I no longer want, he's VERY appreciative. He had dinner with my parents this past Sunday when he was in DC. Apparently, they've given each other new names... what used to be daddy-in-law and sonny-in-law are now daddy-outlaw and sonny-outlaw. They both seem pretty pleased with their humor. Anyway, my parents told me that it was really wonderful to have some time with him--and he told me that he felt the same way. My best friend came over for awhile too. I can only think that all the love he gets from them hurts in a nice way. It must be hard.
Betsey
