You're right Cobra it has been very quiet. Glad you have decided to take some ACTION. It is interesting the dynamic here - in some ways similar to an M. One goes quiet, then another and no-one wants to start the ball rolling again.
What I have noticed is that the old hands have gone quiet but this seems to have created openings for some new people to post. Maybe it was starting to feel like a bit of an exclusive "club" to the lurkers?
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
This slowdown also gives people like me time to catch up and compose replies that haven't already been posted.
This meddling sounds exactly like a kid going to the proper parent because they know who usually gives the answer they really want, or asking both parents to see which one gives them the best answer.
I have had some practice dealing with MIL meddling. MIL acts like an extra mother at times, asking kids to put on sweaters, or do homework, or other assignments. In some cases this is fine, such as when neither parent is nearby, but it can require careful negotiations to convince MIL that it is ok if they continue what they are doing for another 10 minutes if the task is not urgent. It is getting better recently, MIL will now sometimes seek me out if she thinks the kids should do something, since she has learned that if I ask the kids to do something, the kids don't ignore her, the kids don't ignore me, the task usually gets done sooner, and there is confirmation that I am the parent, and there is less stress generated for all of us.
Who is footing the remodeling bill? If MIL does not foot bill, or is not present at the time the order is placed, let her talk. Just be aware you may have to talk your W out from under the influence sometimes. If this is a pattern you might start telling her you haven't decided yet, or haven't placed the order yet, or possibly just ask questions about why she wants the change and listen to her feelings about it so that once she feels she has been heard she might not rush as quickly to convert your W. Another tactic you could try if MIL repeats this often enough, tell her you will talk it over with your W. Then get there first to present her concern including your opinion, that way, your W does not end up agreeing with MIL without knowing your position on the subject.
The main problem I have is that I work all day (leave about 7:30 or so in the morning and get home around 6:00 at night. Somedays I can leave later or get home earlier, but that is typical. W is a SAHM, and MIL doesn't have a job, so MIL is around my W all the time. She comes over nearly every afternoon, and some mornings. So there is the matter of sheer time. There is no way I can "head her off at the pass" so to speak, other than make general statements such as "I want to be involved in every decision about the house" which I have done. The problem is when my W approaches me with some idea at night and I can hear MIL's influence on her. Some of the ideas are good, but some are things that I thought we had already settled. Last night it was crown molding. I'm not a big fan of it, but MIL is, and thus W is. I just told the W last night we can do crown molding so long as SHE really wants it, and it is not just MIL talking through her. Of course, what I worry about is that she is not truly aware of how much influence MIL has with her.
Anyway, lots of other problems cropping up now, so feeling overwhelmed. Fortunately we are doing a family vacation thing, and I have made myself a promise that I am going to be upbeat and positive and just let any crap that floats my way just float by. Just have fun while I have the chance and deal with stuff later. Maybe not the best approach, but its what I gotta do.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Quote: Just have fun while I have the chance and deal with stuff later. Maybe not the best approach, but its what I gotta do.
I think this is a great approach! Enjoy the family time while you have it and stay upbeat so your W looks forward to the next time you can spend time together. I think this will actually be a bigger deal to her than you may realize. One of the things that used to be really difficult for me was the feeling of everything having to happen RIGHT NOW! We had to solve every little thing RIGHT NOW. The world would end if we didn't discuss it to death and deal with it RIGHT NOW. It was difficult to look forward to together time because I never knew what was going to crop up that would become more important than just enjoying some time together. KWIM? It always felt so desperate which made the R seem too fragile.
Have some fun and relax.
Bear
ps. Just a thought. If MIL is there almost every day anyway, could you set up a weekly or monthly date where you can cut out of work early and MIL can stay with the kids so you and your W can go for a coffee or something?
The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
--Marcel Proust
Thanks for the advice Bear. I just hope W is upbeat too, at least part of the time.
Now that the nursing is almost over, I have stated the intention to start date nights with the W. W is not too keen about it, but I think that once she gets out of the house (and away from the kids) for short times, she'll come to look foward to it. I have a feeling though that the first couple of date nights will be rife with worry about the kids.
The other odd side note to it all, is MIL has actually come to resent spending time with the kids to some degree. On the few occasions thus far that I have asked her and FIL to babysit, she grumbles about it (the attitude being I'm there all the time, why should I have to help even more). So I have resorted to finding other nearby relatives, which are not in short supply, to help. I canb somewhat understand it, she is not a young lady enymore, and even young women would get worn down by two toddler and an infant.
One of the other issues I am trying to figure out how to deal with is an uncle-in-law. He is a really nice guy, the "give you the shirt off his back" kind. But he has stated very clearly that he is "racist and proud of it." I am struggling with the desire to not let my children be influence by such hatred. But I guess I can't shelter them, they will be exposed to such things as they get older. I just need to make sure when they hear it, I am there to talk to them about it.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I agree completely, just because crap floats your way does not mean you have to pick it up.
As I mentioned before, MIL is acting like a child by asking both of you the same questions. And there is no practical way to prevent MIL influence on W. She could just as well go straight to W with all her ideas, or your W could get her ideas from a helpful neighbor or any other relative and you would still have to compare priorities and preferences with your W. About all you can do is tell W that you already considered that option and state your preference calmly and clearly. To keep things balanced, consider also presenting the good ideas (and a few of the not so bad ideas) from MIL to your W and tell W that MIL suggested them along with your evaluation, this could possibly prevent any misconception that you are totally aginst any idea that MIL suggests.
There is little to gain by confronting MIL. Eventually MIL will figure out on her own that it doesn't really matter which one she talks to, the results will be the same. She will probably always prefer to talk to her own daughter, but with time, she will recognize that you two work together and that preference will fade somewhat.
Maybe you can think of this as an opportunity to improve communication skills with your W. Give your W the reason that planning these changes requires careful planning and cooperation. Who knows, it may be a usefull skill to have sometime in the future.
Remember to have fun with your family on vacation. Do something silly or unusual for everyone to remember.
Date nights should not wait for nursing to be over. Even if your dates only last an hour, that is still enough time to get away for a fast meal or a short walk and have time to be together without the kids. And you should expect and plan to handle her anxiety. Take a cell phone and give your sitter the speed dial instructions. And instruct sitter that any call had better be important. Do not turn around after going 2 blocks when your W remembers another bit of advice for the sitter, if the advice is really that important your W can call using the cell phone, but keep it short.
