Quote: Probably. But just because the C would state it doesn't mean the W and MIL will agree, or change. Does that make them wrong? Let's say... yeah. Now what? He's right, their wrong, and the B.S. continues. I'm sure Chrome will sleep better at night knowing he is right.
You encapsulated very well why I started this thread. I am thinking that the boundary approach, and NOT fighting control with control, is the way to defuse this situation. I am just searching for what the boundary is and what it should be.
Quote: But Chrome is the only one who can stick up for himself FOR HIMSELF, not to control his W or his MIL.
That is the frame of mind I am trying to get into over this situation. I just want to be careful that I am sticking up for myself for the right reasons.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Quote: Btw, I think HP's and Mrs. Nop's suggestions are very good ones for starters. Humor and not fading into the background when she can clearly be heard speaking about you in your presence. Yes... start there.
I do think the advice is sagacious.
Quote: AND... MIL may continue to do these things... which you can ignore, if you and your W are in agreement privately. If your W begins to side with your MIL over you, then you have a different boundary issue with your W.
I will admit that if W and I had a private agreement to just let MIL rant as she will, but we will do what we want would completely defuse the situation for me. Having a MIL attempting to tell you what to do all the time is annoying, but its probably one of those things I'm just going to have to live with one way or another.
The problem is so far I have had to deal with W siding with MIL far too often. But I have enabled it by not making my preferences and boundaries clear. I hope I can turn that around.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Quote: Non-combative in word choice, but VERY combative in terms of persistence. She in general doesn't stop until she gets her way.
"I appreciate your perspective/opinion, but I would rather not discuss this any more."
Boundary: "I no longer want to continue this conversation, if you continue I will have to leave (or you will have to leave)."
Quote: I guess what I was doing was P/A behavior myself. I was hoping to hear my W take my side. I should stop hoping and wishing other people would do certain things and start doing what I can myself.
Yeah, it would be nice if you and your wife presented a solidified front.
Even if your wife agreed with you, it would be entirely understandable if she (as did you) avoided the situation by acquiesing to mom. It sounds like your wife is also a conflict avoider. So, the two of you probably have some ingrained behaviors with which to deal.
People who have poor boundaries get emotionally prickly even over minor things. Because you (rhetorical you) start feeling walked over or attacked and you haven't the ability to address it at its current level. Instead you have an overreaction which can make you strident if you do respond to the minor issues. If you don't respond, there is a tendency to build a nice reservoir of pissed-off with each minor occurance until the dam breaks and everyone wonders what the heck is your problem. Or if you have learned to not express anger, the pissed-off gets turned back onto yourself as depression and/or self-denigration.
You are right that it does seem like I am over-blowing certain situations. I need to work on dealing with individual events and not trying too hard to lace them into a pattern that "must be unravelled or my M will fall apart." Thanks for the reality check.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Quote: and actually, my MIL had to live like this irt HER MIL. (across the street). How they survived like that for so many years, I just don't know.
It is ironic you say so, because MIL and FIL lived across the street from MIL's parents for 30+ years (that is the house we are buying, W's g-dad passed away earlier this year, g-mom passed away a few years ago). One of the other things that makes me tread lightly is the fact that MIL lost her father earlier this year, so I am hesitant at times to start disagreements with her over the house. But I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet, get over my CA behavior, or live with the consequences.
The side note on this is MIL has lived for 30+ years with her mother constantly invading and controlling her M, so perhaps she has been conditioned to see nothing wrong with her doing the same with her daughter.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Thanks for the suggestion. I think your suggestion can pay off dividends in other ways, by also showing my W that I am assuming a leadership position in my family, and not just letting others walk over me.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I, for one, have been in lurkage. I haven't felt compelled to comment much because I feel I have been largely ineffective in my own sitch. I have enjoyed reading though. With my pregnancy H has been very loving and even a bit more physically demonstrative (just like last time) and my libido has been drowned to a dull roar so I have wanted more sex than we are having but I just haven't done anything about it. Basically, I'm kinda a dropout on this board and to some extent, in my sex life.
I have noticed though that this BB has been EXTREMELY inactive lately.