In-Law Boundary

[chromosphere]

Corri,

Yes.... based upon whatever your boundary, in fact, is.

See, this is why I started this thread. I really have a hard time defining boundaries. And then just when I think I have I talk myself out of it because I worry about it being insensitive to the needs of others. Or when the boundary gets tested in some way I let it flex because I don't want to create waves. Not very alpha male of me for sure ...

Clearly, remodeling is not the issue. The issue is, you feeled ganged up on.

Right, the remodeling/clothing issues were just specific examples of what creates the feeling of being "ganged up on" as you say.

Know yourself. Know your preferences, but know that preferences allow for wiggle-room, negotiation. Boundaries are NON-NEGOTIABLE. There is no discussion because it is a matter of YOUR integrity, respect for your self.

Again, here is where I have trouble. There are some things that are more likely just preferences that I elevate to boundary status in my mind when they are put under pressure. I guess what I am saying is that when I feel my preferences are not given due consideration, it tends to create resentment inside me out of proportion to how strongly I really feel about the situation. This is probably caused by a combination of low-self-esteem and lack of intimacy (i.e. sexual rejection). So in my mind, a preference, such as not having beaded board in the bathroom, becomes a violation of my boundaries when my MIL persists for 15 minutes trying to tell me how I am being unreasonable in not wanting it.

Is it something you don't like, or something you see as unacceptable? If it is unacceptable, what are you doing about it?

It is UNACCEPTABLE to me, primarily because I see it as one of the major causes of our lack of intimacy over the last 6 years. It is hard to be truly intimate with your H when you are stuck in "daughter mode" by the machinations of a controlling parent.

I honestly don't know what to do about it though. That is what I am searching for here.

but neither are you trusting and respecting them by anticipating their actions/responses and avoiding potential conflict.

I do have a problem with over-anticipating responses for sure. Just thinking about it now, I can see how having sieve-like boundaries has enabled MIL to dominate me and my W, thus created a perhaps unconcious pattern in her mind that justifies the behavior. So my recourse is to be firm and obviously so enough times that MIL sees that her old behavior won't garner the same results as before.

Thanks Corri,
Chrome