I have not been posting on this board recently, taking the time to think things over (and I hope to post a new thread when I get some time), but this issue with Chrome touches on what I have been considering. Yes it may be true that each person, Chrome, his W and his MIL are each responsible for their own actions and that if no one changes then things could go downhill. BUT, there is a world of difference in his wife siding with her mother over siding with Chrome. Her mother is not living in the house and dealing with the after effects of her meddling.
It may be ideal to hold oneself above the fray, to not get dragged into the muck, but I have not seen one person here who is capable of doing that. Not one, including you, Lil, GEL, Blackfoot, Mrs Nop, etc. We may talk a good line on this board, but in real life, the reality of our dysfunction comes back into the picture and we get all wound up again. I no longer think it is realistic to continually ignore this reality. It becomes self deception.
We are all dysfunctional, or we would not be here. Our spouses are equally dysfunctional. These patterns are sooooo ingrained that we will NEVER purge ourselves of them. We can moderate and adjust our responses, but our basic reaction to fear and abandonment can ever change.
What I am saying to Chrome is that I think he SHOULD stand up for himself and say something to his wife with the EXPECTATION of her telling her mother to cut it out. Furthermore, I think he is warranted in EXPECTING his MIL to stop. She can keep thinking as she likes, but she can just keep her thoughts to herself. If she does not, then she is IMPOSING on the marriage and through her actions actively placing a wedge between Chrome and his wife. So I see nothing wrong with Chrome expecting MIL to stop. Not doing so has severe consequences for the marriage. Any meddling MIL worth her salt will know exactly how to exploit a weak marriage, and will have no qualms about doing so. I see not reason for Chrome to sacrifice his peace of mind merely to appease her and his wife. This whole issue should not even come up.
I think Chrome needs to confront his wife on this and ask her to talk to her mother. In essence he is asking her to make a choice between him and her mother. If she chooses her mother, then Chrome can let his wife know that he is unhappy and that he has some limit to the amount of unhappiness he will take before he leaves the marriage. But he does not know where that limit is, and neither does she. Leaving your kids is no small task. As we have seen here, men will take a lot of crap before leaving, all the while making the family more and more dysfunctional.
The other option Chrome has, if his wife will not confront her mother, is for Chrome to confront MIL himself. He can explain very politely his feelings and why he wants MIL to stop. Or he can even be angry about it. But either way, his wife will then be the one to make a choice as to how much confrontation between Chrome and her mother SHE (the W) is willing to tolerate. As usual, the end result is that both partners end up taking some of the blame and frustration. Splitting this between the two may actually be the better way to balance the issue, rather than putting the whole burden on Chrome. The theoretical may sound great, but I just don’t see anymore where it actually works.
Of course, this all assumes that Chrome is doing his part to be forthright and honest with his wife about where he stands in the marriage, right Chrome? Otherwise, she may feel some level of entitlement in siding with her mother.
