In-Law Boundary

[chromosphere]

Keep in mind that boundaries are not something you 'do' to someone else. They are what you place on yourself.

I think I've got that.

In the first instance... you cannot control what she does... you expressed your opinion. Period. End of story.

OK. Let me shoot this hypothetical then and see if I have it right. If she had convinced my W to change the kids clothes, would the boundary would be what I choose to do in response that that situation? And how would the boundary by "phrased?" Would "I will not allow my MIL to interfere with the raising of my children in the way that I and my W see fit" be a boundary, or an attempt at control? If it is the latter, how can I rephrase the statement to be a boundary?

In the second incident... the boundary is what you are willing or not willing to do in terms of remodeling. Her comments don't change that.

That makes sense, but let me take it a bit farther. Let us say that MIL was able to convince W to do some remodeling that I had already stated a preference not to do. I realize now the boundary has shifted to include my W, as she has every right to make decisions about the remodeling on equal footing with me. But wouldn't it be more proactive to try to establish a more general "boundary" that MIL should not attempt to get between my W and I on issues that should only involve the two of us. Or would that not be a boundary but be control instead? I guess I see MIL as exerting undue control already over my W. Can I do anything about that, or should I just set firm boundaries on my own responses and let come what may?

If you don't like how your MIL is treating you, then YOU can decide not to be around HER.

What if I don't like how my MIL is treating my M? In other words I don't feel like she is respecting that my W and I should put each other first before any others. Or is that a boundary issue with my W? Or maybe a control issue?

To expect her to change HER behavior to suit your preference(s) is a control issue.

Just making sure I got this. So if someone is treating you in a negative way, expecting them to change their behavior, or taking action with the intent of causing them to change their behavior is a control issue? So then my recourse is to clearly state to MIL and W when negative actions occur that I am unhappy about it and let them decide how to respond?

Thanks
Chrome