I got to thinking about boundaries and their proper application and would like to pose a question to the board. I realize that having poor boundary control could probably sum up my entire situation, so I would like to improve it in small steps. I think developing my skills in one area, even if rather small and minor (compared to the majority of issues discussed on this board) will help me in all areas. One area in which I need to improve is relations with the ILs, specifically MIL.
Two recent incidents come to mind in which good boundaries would be helpful. We (me, my W, my kids, MIL and FIL) were preparing to go somewhere, and MIL commented to me on how it was a bit chilly and then asked if I thought that the kids should be changed from their skirts into long pants. I responded by saying I didn't think that necessary. MIL then walked into the other room where W was and proceeded to try to convince her that it was too chilly for skirts and thus the kids needed to be changed into long pants. Although this is a minor incident, I felt it indicative of a lack of proper boundaries concerning MIL's relationship with me and the kids. Another incident occurred in which MIL was dicussing house remodeling with the W within obvious earshot of me, trying to convince her of some remodeling that she already knew I didn't approve of. I saw it as another minor, but clear violation of boundaries. Am I wrong in my perceptions of these events? I realize that these sorts of thing are probably just par for the course with in-laws, but I really do want to try to establish a proper relationship with them as a way of practicing my skill at boundaries.
What I need is a way of expressing a clear boundary to my MIL without creating the mess that can easily happen with ILs. It is true that MIL helps out a lot with babysitting, so I am sure she just naturally feels like she has a say in how they are raised. And the house my W and I are purchasing and remodeling was the house that MIL grew up in, so I want to be sensitive to the fact that she has feelings attached to it. How can I phrase a boundary that will be clear to MIL yet not insensitive? I have spoken to my C extensively about the IL issue and he feels that there is an unhealthy level of enmeshment between W and MIL that will disrupt our chances at building intimacy. He feels that the best way to bring it back down to a healthy level (parent as an "adult friend") is to tackle many small issues rather than the entire issue head on. That way, over time MIL and W would gradually become comfortable with the notion of becoming less enmeshed rather than risking a "blow up" and subsequent retreat behind walls.
I hope this is making sense. Really tired today, not much sleep for the last few weeks. Thanks in advance for any help offered.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
