This should be an object lesson for anyone new to this thing: do not get too comfortable with the idea that things are going OK when your spouse says that they are ending it with the OP.
Two weeks ago, my wife was finished with her affair, grateful that I stuck by the marriage, and terrified about how she got so far into what she called "crazy and unhealthy."
But on Friday, my wife wanted a divorce. As she said then, she loves the OP.
Then all day Saturday she callled me on my cellphone. I did not answer - I was too upset to speak to her, given the fact that she had told me that she thought we were working things out and had a chance just scant days before.
I went to speak to our marriage counseler, keeping the appointment even though my wife had skipped out. he listened to me, sympathized with my confusion and hurt, and suggested I make a crisis contingency plan in case my anxiety gets to be too much. Part of his idea was that I secure the possibility of getting antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs, both of which I really would like to avoid.
The rest of the day I worked. It was truly hellish. I probably couldn't have lived in my own skin if I didn't have a friend to talk to. That helped get me through. Finally, I went home, maybe after 11 or so at night. It was a blur.
My wife called me very early in the morning. Worried about her, I answered it. She was on her way back home. She came home to her apartment before dawn. In the very early morning, she came over my place.
This is when things get more confusing.
She kept telling me she loved me. She cried, held on to me, and wanted to sleep next to me.
She told me what she had been doing, and said that she realized while she was driving how f-d up she is. She said she is going to get some help.
What was I supposed to do? Send her packing? Not only did I desperately want her there, but she was really hurting. So I tried to comfort her and we actually were able to sleep for a while.
I had a lot of work to do that day, so we were apart for a good bit. But she spent a lot of time at my place, either sleeping while I was in my office or reading a bit.
But she didn't really say anything. As far as I know, she still wants to divorce me and still wants to get together with the OP.
I don't know what her recognition that she needs psychological help means. At least for now she wants to continue with our counseler. This in itself is ambiguous, though, because after her divorce bomb she wanted to do it concurrently with "divorce counseling".
I know that I can't let this get to me. I just want to say that it was very bad for me these past few days. Something came over me one time when I was thinking about our divorce that felt like it could kill me if it lasted too long.
I am not doing too well. Just trying to hold it together and ride this out.
