Just keep hanging in there, or better yet, hanging on to Jesus and letting Him hang in there for you. It is painful and it doesn't make sense, but W is processing her R's, and as long as you are the on the Solid Rock, you'll be the one she comes back to. If you can take the ride, you'll end up with the prize. I'm convinced it will be worth it.
I'm still in the ride myself too - W says what is on her mind, even if it doesn't make sense or fit with what she said 15 minutes ago. And I mean that literally. W tried to start a fight about finances today about how she was not going to accept me writing her a check every month, she wanted her name added to my bank account. I didn't reply negatively, just politely stated my needs, and was finally able to excuse myself. I got my check book and went back upstairs and asked W how much money she needed from my current paycheck that I was going to drop off in the night deposit slot. W said $700 - so I wrote her a check for $800 and she said that was more than generous and she appreciated me. This was only a few minutes after she just got done telling me she was going to file for D if I didn't add her name to my bank account on Monday.
I can also emphathize with your dilema with OP. My W has yet to share the intimate details of her rendevous during our 4 month total separatation. I know she's going to, and I'm leaning on the Lord to carry me through them.
This should be an object lesson for anyone new to this thing: do not get too comfortable with the idea that things are going OK when your spouse says that they are ending it with the OP.
Two weeks ago, my wife was finished with her affair, grateful that I stuck by the marriage, and terrified about how she got so far into what she called "crazy and unhealthy."
But on Friday, my wife wanted a divorce. As she said then, she loves the OP.
Then all day Saturday she callled me on my cellphone. I did not answer - I was too upset to speak to her, given the fact that she had told me that she thought we were working things out and had a chance just scant days before.
I went to speak to our marriage counseler, keeping the appointment even though my wife had skipped out. he listened to me, sympathized with my confusion and hurt, and suggested I make a crisis contingency plan in case my anxiety gets to be too much. Part of his idea was that I secure the possibility of getting antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs, both of which I really would like to avoid.
The rest of the day I worked. It was truly hellish. I probably couldn't have lived in my own skin if I didn't have a friend to talk to. That helped get me through. Finally, I went home, maybe after 11 or so at night. It was a blur.
My wife called me very early in the morning. Worried about her, I answered it. She was on her way back home. She came home to her apartment before dawn. In the very early morning, she came over my place.
This is when things get more confusing.
She kept telling me she loved me. She cried, held on to me, and wanted to sleep next to me.
She told me what she had been doing, and said that she realized while she was driving how f-d up she is. She said she is going to get some help.
What was I supposed to do? Send her packing? Not only did I desperately want her there, but she was really hurting. So I tried to comfort her and we actually were able to sleep for a while.
I had a lot of work to do that day, so we were apart for a good bit. But she spent a lot of time at my place, either sleeping while I was in my office or reading a bit.
But she didn't really say anything. As far as I know, she still wants to divorce me and still wants to get together with the OP.
I don't know what her recognition that she needs psychological help means. At least for now she wants to continue with our counseler. This in itself is ambiguous, though, because after her divorce bomb she wanted to do it concurrently with "divorce counseling".
I know that I can't let this get to me. I just want to say that it was very bad for me these past few days. Something came over me one time when I was thinking about our divorce that felt like it could kill me if it lasted too long.
I am not doing too well. Just trying to hold it together and ride this out.
Wow. I really wish I had some advice. Keep hoping but don't appear to be waiting on her to change her mind. Don't talk any more about the D or any of that. Keep your counseling appts and pray.
Amazing how one time she can realize he's all wrong for her, and in the next breath, she wants him over you - what is that about? Do you think he's trying to win her back?
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Here is what has saved me. I no longer accept that D is an option. Sure, W continues to threaten me with D, it's still an almost every other day thing now, but I've realized it is just W venting her feelings, not planning action. I know that there is nothing I can do to stop W from filing, but I do not have to participate in any conversation or thought process that includes planning for D. I try to live my life the way I want to live it, and don't even think about D.
Our Ws have a lot of issues they need to deal with, and their method of dealing with them is by talking. They say what they are thinking, without thought of the consequences, end result or impact their words will have on you. Probably the best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing: keeping it together, and just being a solid rock for W. She's going to flail around for a lot longer, as long as she knows she has you to count on, she'll eventually stop flailing and eventually get back into stride with you again.
It can be very hard at times, and often overwhelming - this is when you having GAL to occupy yourself and a strong faith in God will carry you through. Drugs are not the answer - all they do is postpone your minds ability to deal what needs to be dealt with. It is much better to occupy your conscious mind with diversions and God's peace and allow your unconscious mind to continue to process things. Taking a drug to dope your mind into not having the capacity to deal with this stuff is BS.
I've been trying to handle all this on my own for the last two months. It has been an up and down struggle, one which I thought I could keep to myself.
The cycle has gone through W in love with OM to breaking with him - over and over again.
It has been a living hell.
Now W is supposedly broken up with OM, but cannot bear me "holding on" to her. She says she is dying inside because of this.
What do I do?
I really hope someone can help me. I'm not sure of anything anymore.
step one, you must do something for you before you implode. I reccommend massage but maybe you guys don't like that touchy stuff.
My spouse has done the same thing, on-again, off-again, IloveOP, I have doubts...at least 3 times they have had the big breakup, OP even put spouses things out on the front porch!!! But somehow these two pillars of strength always find each other again!
What about telling your wife you must respect her decisions so you won't "hold on" to her? (I know you want to grab her by the ankles and drag her back to sanity but you can't) Ask her what you could do to ease her "internal death"...(tempting but don't go there) Listen, don't talk, say "I see" "uh huh" "ok" etc and look like a saint. But BEFORE YOU DO THIS DO SOMETHING TO RECHARGE YOUR BATTERIES or you will have no reserves and will melt before the end of the conversation.
Have you talked to a DB coach on the phone? Can you afford it? Pricey but very worthwhile. Very solid, planned strategies to get some movement going. Hang in there dude. We all feel your pain, which is no help whatsoever but still true. (I am planning a shovel party where we beat cardboard cut outs of spouse or OW/OM...sharpen up your shovel and come on down!)
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
My H is doing the same thing though there really isn't a current OW involved; more like a prior OW that he still works with and had/has an EA with. She will be his partner someday. I am trying to figure out if I can live with that. When you think ahead, how do you get over the trust break, the resentment, etc. Do you think you can live with the reminder forever? I'm saying with experience that forgiving is the easy part, forgetting is the hardest.
Me 31 WAH 30 M 5 Together 14 years S 4 divorced 7/11/07
All you can do right now is look after yourself. You can't do anything for or to your wife - she's on her own journey. Let her get on with it and in the mean time look after yourself.
Read DB again. Exercise - you can't be heart broken or think about your fcuked up marriage when your heart is beating at 160bpm and your sweating a litre of fluid. Exercise also releases endorphines, that help with the depression you are feeling. Exercise is the best self help tool there is. Do it my friend.
Spend some time with your friends. Read a novel. Go to the movies - just get this stuff out of your head.
Look after yourself and let your wife go and do what she's got to do. When she is demanding your attention - listen and validate but don't buy into it.
You can't control her, you can't control the situation - you can only control yourself. Make yourself the best, strongest you you can be to get through this time and to come out the otherside.
Thinking of you.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Not posted to you before, just now checking out your thread. Man, what a rollercoaster you've been on.
I gotta tell you, I would be inclined to agree with Virginia and say that it's time you got some distance between your wife and you. Whatever "journey" she's going through right now, it's clearly bad for you and it's not doing her much good either. I'd be inclined to say that by comforting her and allowing her back in for support and nurturing each time, all you're really doing is allowing her to believe that it's ok to keep jacking you around like a yo-yo. To this point there are NO consequences to her deciding to go play in the OP playground. Why should she stop?
For me it's a pretty simple rule. You want to play with OP, you don't get to play with me. Period. And everytime you choose to go play with OP, the time you have to wait before you can come play with me again grows. Very simple. Simple in terms of a rule that is. It will be hard for you, because you LIKE it when she comes back, you ENJOY being the one to save her. Part of that is because you love her and that's only right. But you are ENABLING her to continue in this cyclical pattern of destructive behavior that will ultimately wear both of you out.
My suggestion for you is that you sit her down and let her know that this is it, that you are done saving her from her decision to return to OP. I would tell her that you don't want her back until she can tell you that she is DONE with OP FOR GOOD, and that she is CERTAIN that she wants your marriage back.
Then it's time for you to move on and spend some time on yourself.
A little story about my sitch. Wife left me suddenly, started with a suicide attempt out of the clear blue sky. This was september, she filed october, it was official december. Talk about whirlwind. For the first two months I was a basket case, couldn't function, EXTREME anxiety. I was a mess. I was a mess with a 14 year old son at home watching me not so slowly fall apart. It was this that eventually drove me to ask my doc for some AD's. I hated it. Took them for three days, then stopped. Told myself that there was NO PERSON in the world who should have the power to make me feel this way. I still carry those pills to remind me of what happens when my happiness is determined by another person. It will never happen again in my life.
You need to get to that point.
Wishing you the best,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
