Examine w's response to your actions yourself. Did they make her angery? Did they make her upset with you? If you would have done something different what do you think her reaction would have been?
Could you have done anything different that would have gotten a better response from W? Personally, I'm wondering if you shouldn't move in with her for a short time, or have her move back in with you, so you can administer to her current needs.
More importantly, if you had a good R, what would you have done? Would you have stayed by her side as long as she needed you to, and gone to get her medicine? Or would you have ignored her, or only stayed a little while? Would those things have demonstrated how you feel about W?
DBing is not a trick or temporary technique to fool someone. DBing is about identifying what type of person we want to be, and measuring that person against the needs and desires of our S.
If you haven't called your W's C and described her physical symptoms, I recommend you do that ASAP. If her counsellor is unable to be of any help, contact W's doctor. Depending on your sitch, you may need to make the call in W's presence, or encourage W to make the call, or make the call and hand her the phone.
This may also be an opportunity for you to take a stand with OP, and answer the phone when he calls and tell him in no uncertain terms the damage he is causing, and by the grace of God he better eliminate himself from your W's life. That you are placing your marriage on the Rock of Christ, and OPs involvement with W is a direct disobedience of God's word, and is already having physical repercussions for W.
My wife is not angrier with me. Granted, she is still very sick, but I don't think this effected anything but the most positive feelings in her.
But I was afraid that it would give the impression that I approved of the status quo with us - her with OP, me sort of hanging on.
I will take her to the doctor today. I think she is in serious danger. But I can't (direcectly) blame the OP; he IS doing this, but only with her consent. She's the one who is confused and sickened by her indecision.
She's indicated she may call off his visit. I don't know what will happen. Right now, I'm off to accompany her to the doctor. Then we'll see what happens.
I'll probably be away from this for the next few days. Thanks everyone for your kind advice. I'll hear from you later.
Hi Mepicurious - just checking in. I hope your Thanksgiving went OK whatever you decided to do, and that it wasn't too hard on you. Hope your W is feeling better, too.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thanks for the concern. The holiday went OK and things improved from there. The OP was disinvited, threw a fit, and showed himself to be as troubled as he truly is. I think my wife sees this now.
It seems that her involvement with him is very much drawing to a close.
We're still not out of the woods, but the talk is more positive. I'm hoping that things continue looking up.
I don't want to jinx anything! I'll check in later, hopefully with some good news.
Now the biggest challenge is to find an excellent marriage counseler to get us "over the wall."
I've been away from this board over the holiday, so I have yet to take a look at how everyone else is doing.
I hope that as things improve (fingers crossed) between my wife and I that I will have better insight into what works and what doesn't in this whole marital discord circus. Then I might be a little more help to everyone else.
Hi Mepicurious - hope things have continued to look up for you! I highly recommend using the contact link from the DB home page to ask for a referral to a counselor. I have been very impressed with the one they referred us to. Or for that matter you could just do the phone consults if you think that would work for you. In our case H really needed to be in the room with someone, for whatever reason it was important to him.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I haven't logged on for a while now - just every once in a while to read some of what's been going on with others.
I have a couple of reasons. The first is that I'm in a very busy time at work now. Since I don't have an internet connection at home, everything has to be done in the office. I haven't had a spare moment in weeks. Right now, it's the weekend, so I can fit a few words in.
The second reason for being away is that I was in uncharted waters with my wife. She had called it off with the OP, filling me in on some horrific stuff about him, and we had been seeing a therapist about our marriage problems. Things even started looking up. I just wanted to enjoy that and was afraid to start looking at it too closely.
I should have.
The last week, my wife has been strange. Yesterday, I asked her what the problem was, and she was reluctant to talk.
Bad sign.
She ended up telling me that she has been too hurt by me and that she wants a divorce. Then, after more questions, that she is in love with the OP.
Just a few weeks back, she was thanking me for holding on to the marriage, which she thought kept her from giving in to the OP's demands and - as she says - "ruining her life."
She spent HOURS talking about the crazy, crazy things this cretin has said to her. The more she recognized how insane he is, the more she shivered. She described it as a nightmare.
Now she's in love with the nightmare.
These days are bad for me. I'm sorry that I haven't been around to lend anyone any comfort. I don't think anything would make me feel better right now.
From what my counseler has said (also the phone coach I called a while back), I'm "doing everything right."
