Need advice on OP visit! Crisis point?

[mepicurus]

I'm glad you stopped by. Today is a very difficult day for me and by some strange coincidence I'm left with no-one to talk to.

I'm holed up in my office while my wife is blithely playing the domestic princess in anticipation of her lover's arrival. I think she's going to treat herself to the cinema and maybe a nice cup of coffee somewhere too.

Glad to see she's so happy.

(We're separated, but live close enough to each other to know what's going on at the other's domicile.)

You asked about our normal Thanksgiving plans. She's estranged from her family, so they are out of the picture. She's been basically hostile to my family for years, so it's been just the both of us at our little feasts.

What that means is that it's either her, me, and the damned OP, or I'm on my own this year.

I'm leaning toward the lone wolf thing.

I don't want to visit anyone this holiday. I don't want my family to know any more about this (in case things get better), and I really don't feel up to lying in answering any questions. Nor do I feel like giving thanks anyway, as stupid as that no doubt sounds. It's hard to realize how much you should be thankful for when your guts are turned inside out.

I've already looked into flying overseas, maybe to somewhere that doesn't have Thanksgiving, just to pretend that this little part of the world doesn't exist. But have you seen what last-minute ticket prices look like?

I guess everyone can tell that I'm thrown for a loop by this. I suppose I'll just have to stick it out.

I'll probably drive to a hotel and be properly miserable.

So much for "getting a life".

Thanks for the empathy.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Sorry to hear your predicament. I don't really have any advice for you either. My H's OW was a complete secret the whole time so I never had to deal with what you and nikkib are going thru.

I believe the main thing is to realize what you want your boundaries to be and stick to them. Continue to GAL big time, and don't let her be the one in control of your happiness. Of course that's the hardest thing to do, but we need to realize that it is problably one of the reasons we are here today. That we let them be the reason for our hapiness.

I wish you well, and you just think about all the other things that God has done in your life that you can be thankful for. For myself, no matter how bad it was and how much it hurt me, I do thank the Lord for allowing me to go thru such an evil and horrible trial, because it has caused me to become the person I am becoming today and it would not have happened otherwise.
Remember, you still can have hope. My R is an example, my H is back with me after wanting to leave me for another woman and that he never loved me to begin with, but now he wants me to be his wife forever. And it can happen to you too.

My soul goes out to you,

[mepicurus]

Thanks for your encouragement.

I'm not a particularly religious person, and I'm certainly not in the Lord's good graces today after what I had to say about Him yesterday, but I know what you're saying.

Of course I have a lot to be thankful for. Perhaps even this. I will come out different, one way or the other. Hopefully better in some ways. Hopefully the negatives (less trust in people, a kind of jadedness, permanant frown-lines, etc.) will be minimal.

And I am learning about how I helped screw up my marriage, which probably wouldn't have happened unless a nice little miracle had tapped me on the shoulder one (apparently) fine day while the wife and I were together.

But I still feel like laying down in a field somewhere and watching the sky go dark.

[NikB]

Oh Mepicurious, I'm so sorry. I can totally understand wanting to be alone, especially when it would be just the "3 of you" for dinner. It makes me so sick that our spouses would even CONSIDER asking this type of thing - the lack of respect just boggles my mind.

I liked your idea of going out of town or doing something fun over the holiday, but too bad the prices are so high. Is there anywhere nearby that you've always wanted to see, one of those places you drive by and think "I should really check that out sometime"? Maybe you could do that... or just take a few day road trip and see where you end up???

If you enjoy cooking maybe treat yourself to a really good dinner - or go out to a nice restaurant if it wouldn't be too hard for you. Any friends or coworkers who might like to get together? In college and the first few years after my brother always did an "orphan Thanksgiving" - he'd invite over any friends or coworkers who didn't have a place to go and they'd make a potluck out of it. Sometimes it was people he barely even knew, but he actually made some good friends that way. If you keep an ear out for people who are having trouble figuring out what to do maybe that's an option.

Or if you're feeling up to it, maybe volunteer at a homeless shelter or something?

I dunno...just throwing some ideas out there. It might be one of those days to curl up on the couch with a blanket, watch some movies, and sleep through it, too.

I know you're having a rough day, but try to do something good for yourself. I'll be sending my positive thoughts your way.

[mepicurus]

If I possessed more decency, I would volunteer at a shelter. But right now, that greedy monster we call the ego is telling me to get out of Dodge.

Yeah, it might be nice to just drive. Hell, I could put a few thousand miles on the car just for the pleasure of wasting gas and wearing out the oil.

What an ecologically-conscious "left behind spouse" I would be then, wouldn't I?

Sorry, I'm feeling like making fun of myself and my situation right now. I spent a good part of last night writing things that don't match up with the fact that I feel like puking up what little I'm eating. Weird.

Maybe it's my way of not facing this for what it is. I don't know. Sometimes I think it would be nice to just push my face into the keyboard and say, "There! Behold honest emotion!"

I hate writing, and today I feel compelled to do it.

Everything I can say seems so far from the way I'm feeling. How many ways can you describe that sense of having your lining turned inside out like a glove?

Sorry. A little venting.

[Astimegoeson]

I understand exactly how your feeling. It takes time to come to terms with it. You over analyze it in the beginning stages, but as soon as your willing to face the truth of what your conscience tells you instead of the deception and confusion your WAS spews out, then you can start to get a better grip on your emotions and start to take control.

[2Timothy_2_23]

Get refocused on your goals. They may seem unattainable, but that's exactly what the devil wants you to think. All he has to do is get you sidetracked, he doesn't care how.

There is more pain in this process than I could have possibly imagined, but it's possible to survive it, and come out stronger because of it. Stay focused on what you believe God wants for your life.

The devil is playing dirty, and when he can't get you, he works on W. Why else would she suddenly feel "love" for OP right after a counselling session that's supposed to help your M? I doubt the counsellor really had any impact at all, being the first session and all. W's comments are simply backlash from her own mental anquish.

She realizes she's caused this pain, and the easiest way out of it is to justify it, rather than heal it. Like a burn - a third degree burn doesn't hurt, because all the nerves are dead. It won't heal when you keep burning it to keep the nerves dead, but it won't hurt either.

You got your hopes up, and they got smashed. Welcome to the club. Dust yourself off, set a new short term goal that will HELP you get your M back, and work toward it. Thanksgiving is too far away to waste the next week avoiding plans with W. If you don't give her an alternative, she'll spend it with OP.

W is going to say a lot of hurtful things about including OP and how much she loves OP. God has given you a gift of grace to endure these things. Continue to use that grace so that you can continue to show W a better option.

In God's Peace.

plk

[mepicurus]

plk,

Thank you for your kind words. I won't let this throw me out of synch more than it has to.

But I do think the holiday will be a wash. I just have to figure out a way to deal with the whole thing the right way.

I appreciate the support.

[mepicurus]

Someone can tell me what this means:

Had a relatively decent short time together with the wife last night. We really didn't talk about anything except a film we had seen. After keeping it light, she went to her place and that was it.

This morning she came over, ostensibly to check if I had milk. She apologized, then sort of hovered over my bed. I asked her if she wanted to sit down, upon which she crawled up next to me and started to shake and cry.

She is "sorry" about Thanksgiving. So am I.

She's not sleeping now, and neither one of us is eating.

What the hell do I do?

[*KS*Chick*]

What do you want to do? I have no advice. I would want to hold her but that's because that's what I'm really needing right now.....