Need advice on OP visit! Crisis point?

[NikB]

Hi Mepicurious,

Thanks for stopping by my thread – I didn’t realize we were in similar situations until you posted. I don’t know how much help I can be in figuring out your situation since I am just as confused, but wanted to at least offer some sympathy! And some thoughts. Apologies in advance, this got longer than I intended.

It sounds like your W is struggling internally, the same way my H is right now. I am so glad you’re able to spend some good, non-stressful time together. I think those times are really important for creating a positive environment where you can face the rest of it, and it sure helps keep her from pulling further away. I think the changes we make scare our spouses, especially if it’s pretty sudden. They think it’s not going to last, it’s not really “us,” etc. I asked H the other day if he believed in the power of people to change and he really seemed to think hard about it. I told him I had recently noticed the people who believe in that power are the ones making positive changes in their lives – so my first big change is believing in my own power to change permanently! Now it’s up to me to keep on showing through action that I have in fact changed, and prove to both of us that it's permanent.

In addition to DB I’m also listening to a CD series called “Marriage Fitness.” (incidentally I don’t really recommend it – it’s good, but it’s overpriced and I think the money would’ve been better spent on a good counselor). Anyway one of his points is a lot like the “Get a Life” principle in DB, but he adds an interesting twist. As part of GAL, you work on making yourself someone that ANYONE (or almost anyone, anyway) would want to be with. The idea being of course that your spouse will go “Wow, I can’t believe I’m so lucky to be married to this great person!” and realize what they have. He said think of it like a gourmet meal – it’s so good you CAN’T pass it up, or at least you’d be crazy to. I kind of like the analogy – whether it helps with my H or not, make myself an irresistible person to be around. Even if it doesn’t help with H, it sure won’t hurt.

I know you’re scared she’s going to the counselor for support in leaving, but consider that it might also be for support in getting over her feelings for the OP. I’m not trying to give you false hope, just saying that it’s easy to let your anxiety see the worst case scenario and there are other possibilities.

I don’t think you’re thinking about it too much, but I do have a suggestion for you – try to take time out, at least 15 minutes a day, where you do something good and fun JUST FOR YOU that has nothing to do with your M and that forces you NOT to think about it for awhile. This is so much easier said than done, I know, but sometimes your mind just needs a break. It could be some kind of activity or sport, reading something mindless, talking to a friend but keeping it all light or focus on them, anything like that. Throwing yourself into work doesn’t count – make it something fun. I am the first to admit I haven’t successfully done this every day and don’t always make it 15 minutes… but sometimes, I make it an hour, and it’s an amazing relief!

I had a thought for you where she mentioned the “hole” when he’s out of her life. Is there a way you can find out what it is that’s missing? What is it that she does with OP or feels for OP that is missing with you? Maybe you can find a way to fill that hole some. I know your case is probably different, but just to share an example from my situation: I realized that I’d become not very self-confident, out of shape physically, WAY too serious about everything and rarely did anything just for the fun of it, and due to some muscle problems I have there are certain things (i.e. skiing) that I’m not able to do. The whole EA started when H found a “skiing buddy” – they would go skiing, have snowball fights, just generally goof off for the day and have fun together. In hindsight I see that H tried to initiate fun things with me for awhile but too often my reply was “in a minute when I finish the chores” or “we don’t have time for that, we’re behind on XYZ.” So….as part of my changes I’m working on self confidence, getting stronger, having FUN just for fun’s sake, and finding physical activities that we can either do together, or that I can find an “adaptive” way to do (i.e. this winter I’m going to try out a ski school for the disabled). If you can find out, either by asking directly or through subtle clues from what she says, maybe you can make some changes that will help fill that hole (as long as the changes feel right to you, too). Ultimately my goal is to improve myself, but also to show H that look - now you can have those things you were missing with me instead of the OW - so losing the OW doesn't mean losing all those other things. Time will tell if this works...

Of course, ultimately your W has to work through this on her own and I can see how there would be a “mourning period” but it should pass relatively quickly, I would think.

Hope some of that helps.. one thing about this place that’s sad but comforting is knowing you’re not alone.