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[klynch]

<p>Michelle, I've read DB once and then lent it to my mother-in-law (his step-mom - she offered to read it because she wants us to work through things and she believes he is in a MLC. I'm on my 4th reading of DR.<p>Here's my synopsis...<p>Husband of 5 years (we've been together for 9 years)...no kids...we live in an apartment and were planning to build a house this summer...<p>We have a unique relationship because his job takes him away for 2 months at a time. He's gone for 2 months, and then home for 1 months. Everything was very good but over the past year or so, it seemed tougher. I knew there were problems and tried to talk with him about it but never considered divorce...just figured we were going through a rough spot.<p>He blew up at me over the phone in early November and said we should just break up - this was out of the blue.<p>Over the next month and a half, we barely talked (he was gone during this time). He came home and hadn't changed his mind...I thought we were going to talk about working things out but he had apparently already made up his mind.<p>He left again and I didn't talk with him for a few more weeks. This was over the holidays and he didn't call or send a card. He has also blown off his entire family and friends - he has talked with his dad a few times, but that's it. He didn't even see family or friends over the holidays.<p>His family thinks he's going through something and can't understand him and really have been supportive of me and want us to work things out.<p>He came home again and acted the same way and then left again. Each time he has come home to talk, we've only talked for about an hour or so and he leaves again. No one, including me, believes there's anyone else.<p>He keeps saying we're 'over' but he hasn't done anything during this whole time to actually start the process...he hasn't filed papers, etc.
The only thing he has done is stopped calling, and during one conversation, he picked up a few clothes and some bills he is responsible for paying...he hasn't been sending much money home during this whole time.<p>He's considering a job that would mean he'd be away even more than normal, and he's had a lot of anxiety about his current job for several months. He might be wanting to 'end' things so he can feel free to make his career choices without having to consider me.<p>I don't want to lose him because I think he's just going through a rough time and he is in a MLC about his career, etc. We've had problems, but definitely nothing that would be cause for a divorce.<p>I know that when you love someone, you love them even when it's hard...what's so honorable about loving someone when it's easy? Yes, it's very hard to love him right now and I might get hurt even more before everything is over, but I know I'm trying to be good to him even when he doesn't necessarily deserve it...and I'm hoping he'll eventually see that too and maybe even appreciate that I stood by him.<p>So as things are now, he's been gone for most of the past 2 1/2 months and we've had only about 3 conversations...all started by him about 'wanting out'. I didn't DB during the first conversation (wasn't expecting this), but I've been working on myself and staying distant since then. When I've seen him I've been calm and haven't argued or even mentioned it.
No matter what he's said, I've tried to remain calm and quiet.<p>I'm not sure what to do...I'd appreciate any feedback you can offer. In a long-distance relationship like this, I'm just not sure how to most effectively DB.



Hello Michelle:<p>Sorry, I'm probably giving you more information than you need...<p>Just wanted to mention that during the first face-to-face conversation, I believed we were going to talk about how to fix things.
Instead, I was surprised to find out that he didn't to work on it. I did all the DB no-no's - but I was calm and didn't cry. I just said that I couldn't believe it, that I KNEW we could make things work, etc.<p>He left and I didn't hear from him again for 2-3 weeks. He came over again and said he was going to take a course and would be gone for a week and then he'd contact me when he was coming back to town so we could work on our finances. I was calmer and even smiled once and I think that really surprised him.<p>Since then he's called a couple of times but he may have called more because I haven't been answering the phone much. We've left short, business-related messages for each other on voice mail but that's it. He sounds very impersonal when he speaks to me, and I make myself sound upbeat.



Hello Michelle:<p>I haven't said much because he's been so unwilling to really talk about IT. He just stops over - the last time for less than a half hour - and tells me when he'll be back again. The next time he's coming back is just so we can go through our bills and figure out who gets what.<p>He isn't talking about the relationship and I'm afraid to bring it up. So he just talks about how we should go about it - finding an attorney, etc. He said he would just come and get a few things and I could have everything else. I said that I would prefer that he moves more of this things because I will probably need to find another apartment and I don't want to have to worry about having to figure out what to do with his things too. That might not have been smart, but I was trying to convey that I was accepting what he was telling me and not arguing about it.<p>He's not being responsible about anything and he's distanced himself from everyone we know. He apologized for ignoring our finances and said that he knew he's had his 'head up his a**'. He said he was sorry and I had every right to be angry. I just said 'No, I'm not angry'.<p>I should also mention that up until a few months ago, we were planning to build a house this year and he claimed he was planning to find another job. During his 'blow up' he said that he didn't have any intention on doing that and was only telling me what I wanted to hear. He's told everyone for a couple of years that he was planning to get another job.<p>By the way, thank you SO much for what you do! Your books have given me hope. I'm doing a lot of introspection and have determined what I did wrong and could do to make things better if we reconcile. I hope I get that chance. I love him very much (just can't tell him that now).