I've been away from this board for a while, and while things have changed in some ways, mostly everything has stayed pretty much the same.

Thank you, by the way, to everyone who has contributed advice and support over the last week or so. It has done a lot to keep me at an even keel.

My wife contines to see-saw between a kind of blithe involvement with the OP (who, it is maintained as of yet, is simply a "friend"...) and what appears to be sadness and regret. Maybe guilt as well; it is hard to tell exactly what is going on with her. Without prying (and thus making myself look overly concerned) I can't really get a fix on her mental state. Since it sometimes varies hour by hour, it probably would be a useless exercise anyway. Perhaps it is the general tone over time that is indicative of the important things. That really doesn't seem to have changed.

Besides, I'm certainly not sure how much, if any, of her mood differences have to do with me or with the problems between us. I will assume the minimum - there's no need to imagine myself to be more important to her than I am.

However, some things have happened that might be meaningful.

After a cool period earlier this week (following a clear statement that I won't countenance her affair), there's been a kind of rebound: now I'm getting invitations to spend the holidays with her (before a very open question), more visits, more communications, etc.

Is this a guilt-effect? I'm not sure what has animated this change, if anything at all. It might all reverse tomorrow.

But I can say that I have been trying very hard to take the advice I've been given seriously and to implement it in my behaviour, especially around my wife. I'm trying not to be overly solicitous while remaining friendly, for instance.

I don't believe that her actions should be interpreted as a 'response' to my comportment, especially given the fact that I'm not really doing anything radically different than before.

But perhaps something of my 'detachment' is coming through. I am certainly weaning myself from talking too much when any mention of relationship issues come up. These usually draw me into saying things I don't want to say - I undoubtably come off as the "waiting" partner and not the "active" one when I reiterate that I want to work things out. Now I say very little.

Anyway, that's it for now. Thanks again for the support.