Look, you can stay "attached" to her negative stuff as long as you'd like, and as you say, it COULD help but in all likelihood, it will not. What we are trying to say is that you are acting like your marriage is in-tact, just waiting for this crisis to end.
I think what a LOT of WAS's resent about us as LBS's, especially ones who don't ever read DB/DR or similar advice, is the fact that we refuse to hear them when they say the marriage is over. We cling to what was and deny what the reality is. The reality is that your W gave up your marriage in her mind long ago and you need to do the same thing. Of course, this is not literal but in a very real way necessary. You have to let go of your "old" marriage and decide to rebuild from the ground up.
Detaching, learning to be whole ALONE and to love from an individual perspective is all part of starting to build something new rather than cling to what obviously didn't work.
You seem to be a very intelligent guy with a strong attraction to logic. A lot of this stuff is counter-intuitive and surely not all that logical. If you are like me, you will think, re-think and then think about all this some more, constantly questioning your actions, or lack thereof as it may be. Don't do that. Just realize, as we are all telling you in our own way, that you do NOT owe your W your happiness or well-being because you are her husband.
If you choose to ride this out, and you decide you still love her after all is said and done, you only owe her being the best man you can be so that when she decides to try, and I mean REALLY try again with you, you are better able to foster a strong marriage than you would be if you just kept on pining for what once was.
I hope this makes sense to you. I know you want to save her but sometimes people don't really learn anything from being saved, ESPECIALLY if they don't want to be.
