Need advice on OP visit! Crisis point?

[toughlover]

Detachment means you don't allow your own well-being to be influenced or determined by the behavior of your WAS or the fact that she doesn't care about your needs. You cease investing there emotionally unless or until WAS wants to invest in you and the marriage again.

Think about it like this: you're not going to invest your life savings into a stock that's guaranteed to lose it all unless you're just intentionally self-destructive. That's what pursuing a WAS or being emotionally invested in one is: pounding sand down a rat hole. There's just no point.

Detaching is hard to do, I know, especially the longer you've been married, cause we really do become one...that's not just poetic garbage. But at this point, you have to go back to a mindset similar to what you had when you were dating, when you didn't pour on the attention or get too heavily wrapped up in the other person unless they seemed to reciprocate or appreciate/accept it.

Think about what it was like when you were single and asked someone out several times, only to be turned down every time. You didn't pour it on even thicker; you got the message, or ended up having a stalking complaint filed against you :-). Point is, until someone wants to let you in, pounding on the door just bothers everyone and frustrates you.

Right now you know WAS won't reciprocate. So you have to get back to the mindset where, yes, you're ready and willing to rebuild the marriage when WAS decides to. Until then, you have to go back to square one: show her you can be respectful and considerate of her wishes even if her wishes are wrong (there are limits, of course, you have to set boundaries to keep kids and everyone safe, etc.).

That's why you have to refrain from pursuing and be available for true reconciliation while being mentally and emotionally prepared to go it alone.

Because lemme tell ya, if WAS does come back and want to rebuild, you're going to need to be have your act together to be able to handle that, cause it ain't easy, but the process is more likely to be successful if at least one of you has their head on straight. Heck, I'm doing that now, and my W has a tremendously constructive attitude about it, is doing everything "right" herself, and it's still difficult (but gets easier with time so long as you don't do things to mess it up).

The point is, it pays off one way or another.