Although I don't think I have any more insights into what is happening, I thought I should write something about what has gone on since the OP visit.
When I spoke to my wife last night, she said something to the effect that she expected to be served with papers that day. She had seen me early in the morning and had noticed what she described as a 'really pissed off' look on my face.
Well, of course.
But I thought this was odd. The way she mentioned the idea of her getting divorce papers seemed as if she dreaded it, but was simply resigned to the absolute worst.
I reiterated that I'm not interested in divorce. I said something like, "I can be angry without wanting to chuck everything, etc." This went down with a sort of rueful recognition, but no comment I can remember.
The same weird, half-fatalistic way of talking has come up before. She very definitely has things to say about me 'finding someone else,' and the general tone is a kind of sadness, but one I can't really put my finger on. She's had what she describes as nightmares about this too.
I know that this is a topic of conversation among her 'friends' (I really shouldn't be so dismissive of them, but they don't seem to be helpful to her) and the OP. I think it's used as a way to lessen her guilt - that I'll be OK and happily remarried within a year is the general assumption. Perhaps they're just waiting for the world to beat a path to my door.
This plays into a very pernicious feeling in my wife, however: playing up my supposed 'togetherness' at whatever level always seems to reflect to her an occulted statement about her lack thereof.
In other words, what they say to make her feel better (less guilty) ends up feeding some delusions of inadequacy or inferiority.
(It galls to consider how much this 'understanding' she gets ends up making her feel worse.)
Anyway, the strangeness in the way she talks about our split leaves me at a loss.
She's confused, to be sure, but that doesn't seem to introduce any ambiguity into her belief that our marriage is kaputt - or at least none she explicitly expresses.
The few semi-indications she has given that there could be hope are all of the order of things like: "I just can't see how it could work" or "I don't know how to come back"
Given all this, and given her deteriorating state of health and mind, I once more suggested she look into getting some professional help. She seemed slightly more amenable to that, but I've seen many times where she's backpedaled before.
(For instance, there was a point where in a crisis she confided things about the OP to me and stated she was going to break things off.)
Something about my continuing struggle:
I just don't know exactly how to take the advice to 'detach' while remaining internally committed to being there for her out of love. I'm working on not allowing her or this situation to spiral me down to hell. But the idea of her hitting 'rock bottom' terrifies me.
In fact, I'm not sure that we should think that such a thing is necessary. What is 'rock bottom'? Does one need to end up living on the streets, or as a drunk, or bankrupted, or institutionalized to reach a point where you gain insight? There are some things you don't come back from.
I know that this would be different for everyone. And I know that neither I nor anyone else has anything to say about where that point is for another person. But I'm hoping that somehow something that I do (or some way that I behave, as in DB-ing) serves as a catalyst for healthy insight in her.
Perhaps I'm hoping that the way I express my love for her (differently from what didn't work) ends up as a signpost for something better in her own life and state of being.
As elevated as that undoubtedly sounds. To bring it down to earth: my own wish that our marriage is part of that 'better state of being'.
