I really don't know what to do here, so I would really appreciate some advice.
(sorry for not using the abbreviations. I'm constitutionally anti-acronymic. just anachronistic, I guess. )
My wife is having an emotional affair. They met over the internet, through a basic business communication of all things. To make a long story short, she says he makes her feel at peace, something she says that she has never felt with me. Now they have been meeting, and although she claims that nothing physical is going on, it's pretty clear that this is a full-blown affair in every sense but that one.
Now I have been trying to apply the DB principles to our interactions, with sometimes good effect, sometimes poor effect. Much of it seems to depend on how well I can control my own feelings, which is a road upon which I have a pretty long way to go. For instance, I've had the amazing revelation that actually listening to her is what she's needed all along from me, and that I've consistently failed to do that. Now I really try. She's noticed. I'm trying more.
Which brings me to my crisis. My self-control breaks down when the OP is involved. Not only for the obvious reasons, but also because I genuinely believe (being as objective as I can be)that this guy is a disaster for her. He may be giving her emotional things she needs, but he also puts crazy pressure on her when he's not on his medication. (Pushing her to divorce me, hurrying her along to be "barefoot and pregnant", etc.).
She's told me about this, telling me that I'm the one she trusts. I commiserated with her, but didn't want to go too far in criticizing him. Apparently I did anyway. I really can't hide my disgust over this - and I know how counterproductive this might turn out being.
It would be easier if she didn't talk about him so much, even though I've learned by reading some of your posts that I can learn a lot of what she sees in him if I pay attention. But the frequency of her comments itself is painful, not to mention the hurt the constant reminder of his place in her life causes me. Simple jealousy, I know. That's part of it. I recognize what I need to rein in.
But what can I do when she wants me to meet him?
He's going to be in town, staying at her place. (We're separated, but living very close to each other. I don't want to see him, don't want to hear him, and certainly don't want to cordially shake his hand.
I don't want to be a SOB either. But this seems like it's almost too much.
My wife insists that she's done a lot that is painful for me, so I should do this one thing for her.
If that was all there was to it, I would. Pride aside, anger aside, contempt for him aside, I would. (And I know in saying this I'm congratulating myself for submerging my own selfish feelings. I'm not absolutely unaware of the things I need to work on in myself, just not particularly skilled at getting them under control right now.)
But I think that this might end up being counterproductive because it would "regularize" her affair - as if it had my blessing (and not just my 'understanding', which is challenge enough).
Help!
I really need some guidance here. If I botch this up, I just might send her right into his arms.
She's obviously lost her marbles, that is just the lowest of the low, what does she think this is going to accomplish?
Quote: telling me that I'm the one she trusts
I also was used as an emotional blanket when my H was on and off with the OP or simply when she was giving him hell and he felt bad. How convinient it was for him to unload on me all his sorrow and pain, then go back free and clear to have a ball with the Op (I didnt' know at the time that he was having and A)
IF it were my case I'd prob tell my H to never mention her name or talk about her whatsoever, there is no excuse to rub the OP on the spouse, your wife has some gull, I'm sorry, I wouldn't put up with that kind of crap.
My H came back to me because he realized after all was said and done only I was the only one who truly cared for him, so you can continue to validate and listen to her, but I don't see one freaking reason why she should be allowed and have the nerve to mention the Op as if there was nothing wrong w/it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
It is easy for me to feel that this is too much. But I'm worried nonetheless about how to handle this situation.
One of the things that my wife and the OP seems to share is a kind of 'outsider' sense - he because he has a host of different issues, mild mental illness among them, she because of an unhappy childhood and horrendous family. They both appear to have significant problems with self-esteem.
I've never taken myself to be uber-confident, but apparently I look like some kind of guy who slides through life without a scratch. Assuredness, aplomb, whatever. (That truly amazes me.)
The point of all this is that my wife feels that my life and its (very relative) successes has overshadowed hers. This is her chance to live out her own life (she often equates her 'friendship' with OP with a new independent life), and that I should be supportive of that.
I am supportive of her independence, and I'm learning how to do that better all the time. But can a husband really be expected to 'suppport' what looks a hell of a lot like an affair?
Of course not, otherwise we wouldn't all be here trying to hold on to our marriages. But we're also here trying to learn what to do to make that happen. And I'm worried that if I look 'unsupportive' here - which basically means pretending that an affair isn't an affair, or that it's just OK to do those kinds of things when you've 'done all you can do and given all you can give' - I'm worried that I will drive my wife further off.
Perhaps, cat03, you're saying that I need to do a 180 on this?
Since I've already made it clear that I loathe this OP, but have been willing to hear about my wife's trials and tribulations with him, I think that the whole 360 is closed off to me.
I still don't know how to handle this. I'm buying her groceries for his visit. Then I think I'm going to spend the next couple of evenings in a bar.
It's one thing to be amicable and to try to keep the peace, it's another to -by your uber passive behavior- tell her "anything goes! here honey, have a good time with that man". As you said on your prev post, it's almost like condoning and letting think it's all ok, to have Op around.
I don't know how to put this gently, she is playing you and taking advantage that you are taking this so well. Give me a little insight of your M, who was the agressive and who was the passive spouse, then we can figure out about the 180.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I would tell your W exactly what you told us... That you have no interest in meeting or talking to him in the least.
It's ridiculous for her to pressure you in this way. Just say no! Just say "hell no" if that's what your true sentiment is. Set your boundaries with her in this regard. Don't legitimize the A.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Ok, here's the thing. There's a difference between detaching and enabling.
It's obvious that you are obsessing over this visit and thus any "positive" actions you take would probably lean towards enabling. The real trick is to realize, and I mean REALLY realize that you are not in control of this sitch or your W. If she wants to see him, she'll see him. If she wants to "do" him, likely she will no matter what you think about it, do about it, or say about it. I don't mean to be harsh but it's the hardest thing for us to do in these sitches; that is to let go of the percieved control.
You are only so caught up because you feel that whatever decision YOU make will affect the final outcome. The second hardest thing to do in your sitch, and it goes hand-in-hand with the first is to understand that this is not about you, what you are or are not doing, or what you may say next. It's just not. It WAS about you when things were going wrong, just like it was about her but now she is doing something that she THINKS is for her and her alone.
I know it hurts like hell to think she just doesn't care anymore and the truth is she DOES care but not in a way that is easily manipulated by you. She will have to find her way back to THAT kind of caring on her own.
SO, in the meantime, should you choose this DB path, you have to find a way to accept your role in this, which is simply to improve YOUR life and YOURSELF to the point where if a "new" marriage, one that will have to rise from the ashes of this affair, were to be possible, you would be ready to be the different, BETTER man you want to be.
On the flip side, REALLY letting go means firmly understanding that you HAVE to do for yourself right now because she may or may not be there to do for anymore.
This CAN be done but it's really hard. You are being asked to turn inward when all you can find inside you is pain. Do it anyway, learn to manage your pain and then slowly learn how to manage your OWN happiness.
Out of time for now. I will keep up with you.
As for the meeting, you don't do ANYTHING you don't want to do. Period. Your decisions need to reflect YOU wishes, not hers.
Thanks to all of you for your input. I need that kind of help.
Given what you've all said, I will have to think carefully about whether to not what I'm doing is 'enabling' behavior.
Maybe a little background will make my confusion about this more clear. (cat03, I know that you've asked for more info.)
Right now, I'm as worried about my wife as I am about our marriage. She barely eats, has lost about 30 lbs, and works herself into the ground. She vehemently mistrusts psychological counselors of any stripe, partly, I believe, because she's had some poor or ineffective ones in her childhood, and partly because she is incredibly willful. I know that I can't control her, but I can suggest she get help and take care of herself. I'm afraid if I back away, I will lose that opportunity and she will get worse.
She has no family relationships. She has a few friends, but it seems that they are more caught up in their own problems than anything else. She will rarely tell them much anything, and I think they will continue to respect the distance she's established. They won't convince her to look after her well-being.
I don't know what this OP tells her. She describes him as being incredibly understanding, insightful, and (here's the very interesting point) like a beneficient father-figure. Apparently he addresses those things that she has felt to be lacking not only in our marriage, but in her life in general. Much of what she's described about her childhood paints a bleak and often brutal picture. Perhaps this OP helps to soothe that.
She describes things to me much in this way. Insofar as it is supposedly a 'friendship' (even given the fact that she's told me he has been giving her advice about lawyers, offering to pay her expenses, etc.), anything I do that is in any way critical of this AH (my own acronym ) comes off as being unsupportive of her.
I am just sick today, much worse than I've been for a long time. It is not simply the imagination of anything going on between them. I would not be surprised if that indeed took place or will take place. The emotional attachment she has to this OP causes me enough pain that an extra dollop or so would just shine it up a bit more.
I'm physically nauseated with worry about her. Whenever I see her in pain I feel like I will collapse.
I suppose that there is as much bad mixed in with all my good intentions as good, but I don't know how to sort it out.
Sorry, I'm out of time right now. I also feel pretty lousy and want to take a break.
My wife never misses an opportunity to tell me how much she loves me. She came over my apartment last night, leaving the OP for the moment, to do just that.
My confusion might make better sense if you know this.
)
that is just the lowest of the low, what does she think this is going to accomplish?